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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26867188">You Keep Me Still When All I Feel Is Aimless Direction</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Screaming_bubble/pseuds/Screaming_bubble'>Screaming_bubble</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, But only a little, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Pining if you squint, lots of fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:47:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>35,642</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26867188</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Screaming_bubble/pseuds/Screaming_bubble</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Changbin is fifteen he is separated from the first and only person he would ever consider in the realm of possibility of being his soulmate. Five years later we are taken on a journey through his life to see how the past came to affect who he has become in the present and if a bond can withstand the trials of half a decade if neither heart let go of the other.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Felix/Seo Changbin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Airplane</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For those of you new here, Hello! welcome to the world of nonexistent update schedules and flowery language!</p><p>And for those of you who are familiar with the two (2) works I actually had the gumption to post, I am alive!</p><p>This story is the combined love child of me and a friend of mine, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaeNotChwe/pseuds/ShaeNotChwe">ShaeNotChwe</a> ,that has been in the works over the span of a year and has changed direction, length, and format so many times I've given up keeping count.<br/>It's going to be messy but hopefully it will give you as much joy as it has given me stress because I really am proud of what it has (and could still) become.</p><p>Please be sure to leave comments of your thoughts as you go, reading your feedback is what gives me the motivation to keep writing and doing what I do and I would love to hear it, both positive and negative!</p><p>So without further ado, please enjoy~</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The air was soupy in a way that Changbin felt he would never get used to as he made his way down the steps towards the dark water of the Han River. The lights of the city were reflected in every ripple, little sparkling mirror images of a place he couldn’t grasp flickering in the movement of the water.<br/>
He hated the way his uniform shirt stuck to his skin even though it had barely been a ten minute walk from his job to the river, a sign that summer had decided to end the game of hide and seek it had been playing ever since winter ended. The sound of cicadas trilled from either side, the grass bordering the concrete steps overgrown and swaying in the wind, rustling in harmony. It almost reminded him of the reservoir he had lived by back when he was a child. </p><p>He let his eyes close as he tilted his face up towards the sky. Let the thick air fill his nostrils, the smell of the water helping clear his head from the hazy cloud that had taken over halfway through his shift in that small, overbearingly hot record store. As much as he loved his job, sitting in a fifteen by ten foot room with a green house effect from the floor to ceiling windows lining the front and nothing but a single ceiling fan was definitely a little gruelling for someone who found it practically impossible to leave the house once the temperature went anywhere above twenty-three degrees.</p><p>Somewhere beyond the general white noise of the city, Changbin could hear the sound of a plane passing overhead, making him open his eyes.</p><p>There’s a certain kind of emotion that passes through a person’s body when looking up into the sky and watching a plane crawl across it.<br/>
For some it’s a deep longing to go somewhere new, whether recreationally or to escape from their own tedious reality.<br/>
To others it awakens a deep rooted fear of the unknown, the “what if’s” and “maybe’s” of every possible outcome as their brain’s last attempt at self preservation, even if it’s rooted in groundless fears.<br/>
Sometimes it can even signify freedom, the possibility to go anywhere, be anyone, live any life that you feel is rightfully yours. Fly even though throughout history man had always declared it impossible.</p><p>For Changbin it awakens a feeling of longing, the kind that twists your chest until you feel like you can no longer breathe, the air in your lungs solidifying like cement. </p><p>It reminds him of sandboxes and playgrounds, sharing ice creams in the park on a sunny afternoon. It reminds him of freckles and a laugh that was always directed towards the sky, of lanky arms that wrapped around his shoulder when walking down the street and butterflies in his stomach, happy little bubbles filling him up, trying to explode like a soda bottle after being shaken.</p><p>It reminds him of Felix.</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Changbin had moved to England with his parents when he was seven.<br/>
His parents were artists, each in their own right.<br/>
His mother was a writer and his father the owner of a record store, the two having met back when they were studying overseas. According to Changbin, his mother had fallen in love with the english language as much as his father had fallen for her and it hadn’t taken more than a couple years for them to be married. Once their studies were over the two had moved back to South Korea where Changbin’s mother had taken up a job as an English Professor and his father had taken to reselling some of the records he had collected over the years of him living in the States until he had gained enough traction and money to open up his own little store in one of the up and coming areas of Seoul.<br/>
Their decision to move to England had been a spontaneous one, bred of late night hypotheticals and restless feet but if it hadn’t been for their recklessness, well, Changbin supposes his life would have developed very differently.</p><p>It had been strange at first. Everything was so different from what Changbin had grown accustomed to back home. The saltier food, the cooler air, the tree-lined streets that wound back and forth like a river snake until they became a maze of concrete and tar. It was a picture out of a story book rather than a real life place for him to be but ultimately, like most children, Changbin had adjusted quickly. He took in everything with the kind of wide-eyed acceptance that came so naturally to little ones, soaking it up like a sponge does water.</p><p>Not even starting at a new school was as life-shaking as both Changbin and his parents had expected. Even with his broken sentences and lacking vocabulary, there was a kind of confidence to him, a friendly air that made people want to connect with him despite it. It hadn’t taken more than three months for Changbin to climatise himself as well as he had been back home.</p><p> </p><p>It was probably around his second year in primary school when he met Felix.<br/>
It was their first day back after the summer holidays and the room was filled with the yells and screeches of around fifteen boisterous eight year olds running around and chattering with their friends in an almost uncontrollable excitement.<br/>
Changbin, naturally, was one of them, enthusiastically showing off his new trainers to one of his classmates until he noticed a new face sitting off to the side on his own, wide eyes flicking from student to student as he wrung his hands together. </p><p>To say it was magic that spurred him to bound his way over would be cliche and, quite frankly a little over dramatic because to him it wasn't some grand work of the universe nor was it the tugging of the red string of fate, but instead the drive of an eight year old boy with no other intention than to make as many friends as possible, especially someone who seemed to have no one.</p><p>He had stopped right in front of the boy’s desk, a large toothless smile spread across his face, as the other looked at him with an expression that could only be described as pure unfiltered terror when Changbin stuck his hand out in front of him.</p><p>“Hey! My name’s Changbin. What’s yours?” He still had a bit of an accent, not strong enough to stop him from being understood.</p><p>“My name’s Felix.” The boy had replied, scratchily as if he hadn’t spoken to anyone in a while, quickly clearing his throat.</p><p>“Faylix?”</p><p>He cleared his throat again, hands twitching. “Uhm no, Fe- You know, Felix.” </p><p>“Feilix?”</p><p>“No, like,” He looked around flusteredly until his eyes landed on the little chalkboard sign that sat at the front of his desk, picking it up and writing down his name in scraggly handwriting before turning it towards Changbin so he could read it.</p><p>“Ooooh <i>Felix</i>. Your accent… Are you from here?” Changbin asked, turning his eyes back to Felix, wide grin back in place.</p><p>“No I’m from Australia. My parents are Korean though.”</p><p>Changbins eyes lit up and he clapped his hands together, “I’m from Korea too! We’re like brothers!” Changbin quickly waddled around the front and sat down at the table next to him.</p><p>Felix smiled properly for the first time that morning, warm and soft like sun streaming in through an open window. He was awkward and nervous and seemed like he was almost scared to open his mouth but something about him felt right. Like they could be friends.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Changbin dusted off the back of his pants as he stood up from the slightly damp step, wiping away the little grains of sand and greenery that had accumulated on the concrete underneath him. He took one last deep inhale of the watery air around him and made his way back to the main path. There was a good ten minutes before the next train was supposed to arrive, so he figured he could allow himself to take his time walking back to the station and enjoy the rare feeling of serenity that had taken over his body after such a long day.</p><p>The gravel crunched beneath his feet as he walked, the lights lining the path making little mountain-like shadows stretch across from the small stones that jut out of the ground. There weren’t too many people mulling about, just a couple smaller groups here and there, most of which were minding their business and keeping to themselves to enjoy the night air.<br/>
He allowed his mind to wander.</p><p>It had been a while since he had thought of Felix, at least consciously. It was hard to completely forget someone who took part in almost every memory you had of a place. Any time he thought about his life back in England, even remembering the most mundane moments, little Felix would make an appearance, laughing his laugh, smiling his smile, living his life. He had woven himself into every fiber of his memory until only the smallest cracks were left empty, forcing Changbin to try and ignore the holes that were left when he was no longer there.</p><p>A car horn blared past him, making him raise his head to find that he had already made it to the edge of the park. He watched as the taxis and business cars sped past him, only giving brief glimpses of a small cluster of tourists standing on the other side of the street.<br/>
It was so funny how no matter where you were in the world you could always spot a tourist a mile away, with their oversized backpacks and their matching expressions of tired confusion as they squinted at street signs to make their way around. He watched the way one of the women passionately gesticulated to a man standing next to her, her voice just barely being heard over the cars but too faint to make out any words. He smiled to himself. </p><p>The light above him turned to green, the little white man blinking and telling him it was his time to cross before a timer began to count down the seconds until it would turn red again.<br/>
It had been almost 3 years since he moved back to Seoul but a piece of him still felt like he himself was a tourist. He was used to the sights now; knew which streets to avoid, which stores had the cheapest lunch offers and which shortcuts to take when he was running late but, no matter how much time passed, it didn't feel like home. It was obvious by his mannerisms and general thought process that he hadn’t grown up in South Korea. He didn’t feel like he fit in completely but he was comfortable and he supposed that’s what was most important.</p><p>He made his way down the steps of the subway terminal, putting a pause on his train of thought to focus on the steps below him. There were so many people around him, pushing their way through to get from point A to point B, each one with a different life, a different personality, a different story. He sometimes wondered just how many of those people he had crossed paths with, just how many times he had missed someone who could have been something important to him without knowing, just because he had blurred them into the mass of other faces he didn’t know.</p><p>Just barely arriving at his platform to slip through the doors of the train, Changbin slowly squeezed through the forest of businessmen and highschool students holding onto the handrails to huddle into one of the corners by the doors.<br/>
He liked to stare out the window and watch the orange lights of the tunnels flash by like a hypnotic pulse until his mind emptied itself, only occupied by the rhythm.<br/>
Today however, the emptiness never came. He just couldn’t seem to stray away from the past, being tugged back to the same memories, over and over again until he couldn’t be bothered to fight it anymore and just let himself dive into a pool he had avoided for so long.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Despite it’s abrupt beginning, their friendship blossomed like a spring rose. Something about Felix just resonated so well with little Changbin. It was the way he never minded sharing his books with him during free time, Changbin staring at the pages from over his shoulder even though he was a much slower reader, and the fact that he always laughed at Changbin’s jokes, even if he forgot the punchline.<br/>

</p>
<p>Changbin would ask Felix to tell stories about Australia; about the food they had there, if there were any special games they played, and whether or not they really had spiders the size of your face. Felix would ask Changbin questions in return, enraptured whenever Changbin would tell him about the street vendors that always gave him extra food when he went to visit with his dad, or the cicadas he would catch in the summers with his friends. They felt like these stories were their special common ground, the string that wrapped around them until it held them tightly together, making them completely inseparable.</p><p>Friendship with Felix was easy in a way very few things in life were.</p><p>Maybe it was because of childlike fearlessness and lack of the need for censorship, neither Felix nor Changbin really being old enough to allow overthinking to stand in the way of building connections. Maybe it was because Changbin was the first person to approach Felix since arriving in this foreign surrounding and Felix found himself imprinting on him like a duckling.<br/>
Somehow it felt like more than that though. Something about Felix just clicked in a way that no one else would have expected given their different upbringings.</p><p>While Changbin’s parents were spontaneous and erratic, moving off of feeling and emotion, Felix’s parents seemed to be like stone, cold and immoveable.<br/>
He came from a background of nouveau riche business men and women that believed in work ethic over anything else, something that would have been admirable if they hadn’t had about as much affection in the two of their bodies combined as the concrete setting the foundations of their work spaces.<br/>
Whereas Changbin had been created from love and adoration, Felix seemed to have been brought into the world under the sole purpose of utility. He was just another cog in the mechanism that was their conglomerate and they treated him as such.</p><p>Regardless of how he was brought up, Felix was filled with an unexpected amount of warmth and tenderness, as if any small inkling of good from his parents had drained entirely out of them and directly into his soul, giving him a laugh of bells and his own personal constellation of stars speckled across his skin. Felix encapsulated all the good that he had been deprived of and because of that he seemed to be able to relish in the good that came from Changbin, the blessing of loving parents and an endowed upbringing.</p><p>The two combined were almost blinding, two forces of light that revolved around each other. It was practically impossible to separate them, something that proved rather difficult considering the tight leash that Felix was kept on. They were almost entirely restricted to spending time with each other at school, any offers of spending an afternoon after school shot down by extracurricular lessons and prior engagements.<br/>
It wasn't until maybe a year or two into their friendship, after Felix had just turned eleven, that he was finally given a little bit more room to breathe.</p><p>It was with the arrival of a bicycle that things began to suddenly change.<br/>
He had come bounding into school one morning, a smile spread across his face as he boasted about a new bicycle he had received from his grandparents as a birthday gift.</p><p>“You should see it, Changbin, it’s so cool!! It’s all silver and the handlebars are blue!” </p><p>Changbin listened as he babbled on about his bike, describing the way it felt and how he couldn't take it out of his sight for at least thirty minutes after he had gotten it.</p><p>“We should ride together one day!” Changbin had exclaimed, already picturing the two of them cycling down one of the many paths in his favorite park near his house.</p><p>It surprised him when Felix suddenly looked down at his lap embarrassed, fiddling around with one of the buttons on his school shirt.</p><p>“I actually don’t know how to ride it yet. I would ask dad but… He’s probably too busy.”</p><p>Changbin shrugged. “Then I can teach you.” He said, smearing his nose across his sleeve before taking a large bite of the jam sandwich he had brought for lunch. “My dad taught me years ago how to ride so I’m practically an expert.”</p><p>It was visible how fast Felix’s face lit up at those words, every emotion on display. He was like a flower, wilting before perking up again.</p><p>“I’ll have to ask my mum if it’s ok.” He replies, picking at one of his crackers but still smiling, even if his eyes dimmed a little before his next words. “She might say no though.”</p><p>Being able to sense Felix’s nervousness, he reached out his hand and prodded Felix in the cheek with his finger, making him smile. “If you like I can have my parents ask, ok? It’ll be so much fun! And you’ll be able to see my house!”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>It didn’t matter how long he had lived here, how many times he had taken this same journey, Changbin would never get used to the long line of steps he had to walk up to get to his apartment complex. There was a reason the rent was so cheap, afterall.</p><p>It was a relatively shabby building, the green paint peeling off where the rain always hit, giving the building an overall kind of mouldy camouflage, something to match the actual mould that decorated the walls of the inside hallway.</p><p>Changbin’s apartment was situated on the fourth floor of the five floored complex, low enough that the lack of a working elevator wasn’t too noticeable but high enough that he could see over the buildings opposite, allowing him to have a view from his balcony that reached over most of the city. </p><p>He punched his pin in the keypad beside the door, the handle jiggling more than it should when he pressed down, and pushed it open to the sea of shoes that had collected at the foot of the step. He released a sigh, going about removing his own in the doorway and keeping them in his hand as he tiptoed among the grubby sneakers and scuffed work shoes of his roommates.</p><p>Changbin lived with three other guys, all of them relatively nice, in their own right, and he may have even called them his friends if it weren’t for the fact that he seemed to have a general distaste for people as a whole. They were around his age but he couldn’t tell you exactly how old considering he had decided to entirely skip the introductions the first day and spent the rest of his time avoiding them as much as humanly possible. One thing he definitely appreciated about them was that they gave him his space, coming to terms pretty early on that Changbin wasn’t here to engage in the pleasures of youth with them or anyone else.</p><p>Trying to make as little noise as possible, Changbin made his way across the living room, contemplating if he had enough time to get some water from the kitchen before someone could intercept him disappearing into his room.<br/>
He decided to forgo it, figuring he should at least get out of his work clothes first, seeing as they had definitely passed uncomfortable and were now starting to smell overwhelmingly stale with the amount of sweat they had absorbed throughout the day.</p><p>His room was relatively non-descript, most of his belongings still sitting in the spare room of his parent’s house from the move.<br/>
There was a single twin-sized bed in the corner covered in a pokemon themed bed-spread and a small desk on the opposite wall, squished next to the wardrobe that had come with the apartment. He had put up a couple posters on the wall, something to break the depressing blankness of the off-white, but other than that he only had exactly what he needed for his job and a few outfits for when he had down time.</p><p>The springs creaked quietly as Changbin threw himself down on the mattress, ignoring the way his still very damp “That’s Seo Records” t-shirt stuck to his skin to close his eyes and let the coolness of the sheets seep into his body. The room was quiet except for the low buzzing of the light outside his bedroom window and the whirring of the little floor fan at the foot of his bed. He took one deep inhale, enjoying the smell of washing detergent that still emanated from his duvet before opening his eyes and staring at the ceiling. He remembered having heard his phone chime at some point while he was coming in so he decided to reach into his pocket, wriggling around to slide it out. The screen turned on with a click, the bright light blinding Changbin before the sensor adjusted it to the low light of his room.<br/>
He hated the energy saving bulbs that had been put in each of the main fixtures in the apartment, preferred the soft yellow of his bedside lamp to the headache inducing neon light but that meant that his room was in an almost permanent state of semi darkness where anything past the desk was in complete shadow. He swiped through a couple redundant notifications from pinterest and google and a message from his mom asking him to bring cucumbers the next time he came for a visit before staring at his empty notification bar.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Anyone’s first impression upon visiting Changbin’s house was that his parents' tastes in decorating were… eccentric to say the least. The fact that you had to weave past a collection of garden gnomes just to get to the living room was testament to that. </p><p>Every surface was smothered in patterns and textiles, each piece layered with intention, decades of style patched on top of each other like some kind of bizarre quilt as every possible empty space had been taken by a different knick knack and piece of memorabilia. It was… strangely comfortable and so, so different from what most people Changbin’s age had grown up with, which was precisely why it came as such a pleasant surprise when the first words to come out of Felix’s mouth weren’t those of mockery.</p><p>“Woah, your house is so cool!”</p><p>Changbin laughed in response as he reached up and hung his colorful lanyard onto one of the hooks by the front door.</p><p>“My mum likes collecting things. She gets a lot of it from markets and stuff.” Changbin said, nonchalantly stepping over a sixties coffee machine to get to the living room.</p><p>Changbin dropped his book bag on the floor and plopped himself on the couch, turning on the TV while Felix let his eyes roam around the space and take in all the little toys and pieces of rocks and branches from outside that had been perched up on every surface.</p><p>“My mum likes collecting things too,” Felix said, finally deciding to make his way over to join Changbin on the couch, “but it’s different things. And not as much, I guess.”</p><p>Changbin wiggled himself further into the couch before looking over at him, the sound of his mum’s mutterings under her breath being heard from the kitchen where she was making something for them to eat before they went out to play.</p><p>“What kinda things?”</p><p>Felix shrugged. “I dunno, these weird little figurines and stuff. They’re supposed to be really expensive so she keeps them in a special cabinet where nobody can touch them.”</p><p>“That’s weird.” Changbin replied as he flipped through the channels. “What’s the point in having something if you can’t touch it?”</p><p>Felix shrugged again, turning towards Changbin with an indifferent expression. “There’s a lot of things in our house I can’t touch. That’s why I like your house better.” A smile. “It feels lived in.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Changbin’s parents hated his apartment.<br/>
They hated the location and how far away it was from their family home, they hated the murky green walls and they hated the fact that Changbin was currently paying around Five-hundred and eighty-two thousand won for a room in a building that was definitely violating several healthcodes when he had an entire bedroom for himself with them but Changbin likes to tell himself that it didn’t matter. That in the end this is what’s best for everyone.</p><p>Something in Changbin had changed when he moved back to Seoul, probably even a little bit before that, and it became noticeable to everyone, himself especially.<br/>
He was moody, constantly switching between anger and a deep rooted emptiness that reached all the way into his bones on the bad days and settled across his skin like sweat on the others. There was no motivation behind his movements, no inspiration. He moved through life as if programmed, lifeless and mechanical, and there was no one this sudden change affected more than his parents, his loving, exuberant parents that had given him everything only for him to spit it back into their faces with his spiteful words and aggression.<br/>
There had reached a point where he couldn’t handle it anymore, the concerned stares and other-room whispers, the hurt that he knew he was the catalyst of. </p><p> </p><p>They had thought it was a joke, the first time Changbin had brought up he wanted to move out. Had thought it was some kind of hypothetical, just an idea he was toying with.<br/>
It wasn't until he came to them one day with a number of listings and a round-about figure of how much money he would have to borrow to be able to afford the deposit that they realized he was serious.<br/>
He had told them he would work at his dad’s store as a means of paying them back, that they could take it out of his pay but they refused, saying that it was their going away gift, until he insisted they at least let him work at the store to help.<br/>
It was the least he could do after all.</p><p>Moving away had been good, just like Changbin knew it would be. The solitude meant there was no longer a possibility of him disappointing anyone, that he no longer had to keep himself tightly wound like an overflowing trailer cart. On the days he went to see his parents he was able to muster up enough energy to behave, maybe not the same as he had been before, but better; less hostile.</p><p>It had also been a good way to escape from his memories. To escape from all the knick-knacks that now had memories of little giggles and curious fingertips molded into the surface. </p><p>Changbin had always known that Felix had made an impression on him but he hadn’t realised just how much until he completely changed his surroundings but still found himself projecting him on to every surface.<br/>
He knew it was pathetic, could even admit to himself that it was unhealthy but he just couldn’t help it. Everything reminded him of him.<br/>
But in this shabby little apartment there were too many other things to focus on to think about Felix.</p><p>He couldn’t hide in the colors of the apartment because there were none, couldn't wrap around him as a familiar scent when the only thing he could smell was cigarette smoke from one of his roommates and the generally damp smell of a place with a broken a/c. </p><p>Only at night was it harder to escape, especially those first few weeks back.<br/>
Hours of his mind buzzing along the same lines, dancing with the what-if’s and maybe’s at a harvest festival of his own suffering until he fell into a fitful sleep of uncomfortable dreams that left him waking up with a lump in his stomach.</p><p>But even that slowly began to melt away, allowing his mind to focus on the sounds of the lives being led out on the street below or the way his blanket felt on his skin, hyper-focusing on every sense he could tap into like a form of meditation.</p><p>Years had passed since he first moved here and he found himself no longer imagining what it would be like if Felix suddenly appeared in front of him, if after all this they suddenly reunited and went back to the way they were, if they even could go back to the way they were.</p><p>Changbin had accepted his new reality, the one without freckles and a laugh that was always directed towards the sky.</p><p>Even if it meant it was a reality without happiness.</p><p>***</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Sweetest Rose is Awarded to Those who Brave the Thorns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Friendship can take many forms. Whether it's loyalty, acceptance, understanding, even resilience.<br/>But in the end there is one common factor, the thing that holds it all together with desperate hands and hopeful hearts.<br/>And that factor is love.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'ma be real with you guys, I didn't proof read this myself at all I just left it in the hands of my girl Shae so I am a little nervous lol. <br/>In this chapter we get to see a little more into the change in dynamic between old changbin and his friends and present changbin, so hopefully I did it justice!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Changbin was fifteen his personality was infectious. He exuded a warmth that lured people in like cats to a sunbeam, never having a problem making friends and having even less of a problem in keeping them. He was witty and charming, always a joke up his sleeve and a smile on his face and there were very few people who could say they knew him and disliked him but even then, it was clear that Changbin only had one celestial body he chose to gravitate around consistently.</p>
<p>“Felix, hurry the fuck up we’re going to be late!”</p>
<p>Changbin frantically pedalled forward on his old tenspeed, his legs flailing when the bike sped faster than the chain could handle while racing down the last hill that turned into their school road, Felix not far behind on his mountain bike. </p>
<p>“Not all of us have racing bikes, Changbin!”</p>
<p>They were reaching the bottom of the slope, Changbin getting ready to stick out his leg to lean into the curve. Somewhere behind him he could hear Felix coming closer, back tire skidding across the street as the two of them maneuvered the sharp bend, something that was practically second nature with the amount of times they’ve done it, and just barely managing to zoom in through the front gates of their school before the watchman could close them.</p>
<p>“You know, you wouldn’t have to risk death every day if you got up a little earlier in the mornings.” Felix wheezed as he lodged his front wheel between the bars of the bicycle rack they had cruised towards, now that there was less of a time dependent urgency.</p>
<p>“You make a valid point, however,” Changbin looked up and grinned cheekily from where he had just secured his bike lock and was resituating his backpack on his shoulder to look Felix in the eye, “That’s a sacrifice I am not willing to make. Your boy needs his beauty sleep.”</p>
<p>Changbin and Felix had managed to build a bit of a reputation for themselves as the years had passed for multiple reasons, only one of which being their dashing good looks. <br/>There was no denying that the two had blossomed over the years, Felix with the kind of willowy gracefulness that snatched the words right from your throat while Changbin filled in, broadening out like a tree adjusting to it’s vessel, strong and sturdy. There was little wonder that they had become known as the heartthrobs of their year but even then, that wasn’t what had helped spread their name throughout the conversations of their schoolmates.</p>
<p>They were the kind of loud and rambunctious that was one yell away from no longer being considered fun and charming, the two of them always toeing the line between “boys will be boys” and becoming a genuine public nuisance. Whether it was loud whispering in the back of classes or the rogue footballs that were caught flying through the air between and after classes, their names were called at a rate that almost felt like a kind of mantra, echoing through the school in their wake of destruction.<br/>Thankfully the combination of Felix’s stellar grades and Changbins silver tongue kept them out of any real trouble, something the two of them really had to keep watch for.<br/>While Felix’s parents had seemed to loosen the reins a little to allow him a somewhat healthy social life, it was fairly clear that they were just waiting for a slip up in order to yank it all away again. Even just getting him to be able to take his bike to school instead of being driven by their chauffeur had been a week long discussion that only ended with a concession when Felix came up with some kind of shtick on the importance of independence and responsibility while growing up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sitting in the back of the classroom, ignoring their teacher lecturing the class on the beauty and importance of algebra in their daily life to shoot little paper balls into goals made by their fingers, Changbin suddenly had an idea. Felix had already reviewed this entire chapter last week under the watchful eyes of his tutor and Changbin, well, Changbin just didn’t seem to give much of a fuck. He suddenly sat upright ignoring the dismayed groan Felix let out when the little paper ball flew right past him and hit the side of their desk neighbor’s head.</p>
<p>“We should go to the park after school!” He whispered excitedly.</p>
<p>He watched as Felix scratched the side of his head, his nose scrunched up. “I dunno if I can ‘Bin, I need to tell my parents the night before if I plan on going somewhere.”</p>
<p>Changbin rolled his eyes. “Oh come on Felix, what’s the <i>worst</i> that could happen?”</p>
<p>There was a deep rooted nervousness in Felix’s eyes whenever the conversation turned to his parents. It was like he was <i>scared</i> of them, and not in the way that was socially accepted.</p>
<p>“I dunno I mean… I’ve never really done anything for them to get mad at before. At least that they know of.” He says the last part with a smile, even if it’s a little weaker than the one he usually has. </p>
<p>“See!” Changbin says, just loud enough to earn a glare from the same neighbor that had gotten hit on the side of the head with the paper ball. He should really shout him a lunch or something one of these days for putting up with all their bullshit. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. You said your parents usually work until eight anyway, right? Well we’ll be back <i>way</i> before then.”</p>
<p>Felix still didn’t seem completely on board, fiddling with the little scraggly pieces of paper along the edge where he tore it out of his notebook. As a last attempt, Changbin leaned over, shaking Felix by his shoulder with a whine. </p>
<p>“Come on Felix, It’ll be so fun! I’ll even get you a callipo for your troubles.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>It was hot. Really, really hot as Changbin stood behind the counter at That’s Seo Records.</p>
<p>His dad had been so kind as to bring in an extra fan for Changbin to use personally as he sat through the remaining six hours of his shift, the front door propped open to allow some kind of breeze even if it was just as hot as the air in the store, so it was at least <i>somewhat</i> bearable but that didn't stop his jeans from sticking awkwardly to his thighs.<br/>It was a slow day today, slower than usual considering it was a Friday, but he supposes most people are spending the sunny midday out doing something fun, enjoying the weather.</p>
<p>Changbin can barely remember the last time he felt excited about a sunny day. <br/>He had never been that fond of the heat, the way it prickled on his skin and made everything sticky. When he was in England he never had to worry much about the heat because there were only maybe ten days a year when the temperatures became high enough for you to leave the house without a cardigan or sweater. In Seoul however the heat would bear down on you like a lead weight, thickening the air and making it hard to breathe. The humidity was what especially got to him, the ends of his hair becoming coarse and frizzy and clinging to his skin like glue.<br/>But when he was younger he enjoyed the warm days because they meant more than just drenched clothes and cotton mouth. </p>
<p>People just seemed happier, the world having shed themselves of their gray shells of malcontent to be happy for at least one day, covered in colors and patterns and shapes and skin. Suddenly there were ice cream trucks everywhere you walked, stands promoting juice and fizzy drinks instead cups of hot tea. Groups of men and women would walk down the street singing along to music blasting from portable stereos and swinging around bottles and cans wrapped in paper bags, children would run around playgrounds and parks with their colorful hair scrunchies and summer clothes. It was like watching water get turned into colorful rainbow sorbet.<br/>But that was then, back when Changbin had allowed himself to wear something other than black and gray as well as a smile every once in a while. Back when he actually had a reason to go outside.</p>
<p>Crowds have become tedious to him now; the loud noises, the smells, the claustrophobia.<br/>He liked being alone, liked not having to worry about anyone else around him. As if for a couple moments he could unwind every knot in his body and allow himself to switch off the need to always be on full alert.<br/>He had gotten so used to that feeling of being unwound and disentangled that he found it hard to re-tie it all back together, never quite getting the right angle and feeling generally wrong and out of place. At some point he just gave up going out all together unless it was to go to work or to a once in a blue moon meet up with one of the two friends he had still somehow managed to keep.</p>
<p>The electronic beeping of someone entering the store makes him raise his head from where he had been doodling little awful sketches onto the back of a receipt to see two boys come inside, neither much older than maybe seventeen.<br/>They bowed when he made eye contact with them, dipping their heads before awkwardly making their way over to the section furthest away from Changbin and pretending they were fully immersed in the titles on the jackets.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Changbin had never spent much time at Felix’s house, Felix always being the one to drop by whenever they had plans. Changbin had never really questioned it, figured it was just easier this way. </p>
<p>Naturally it was bound to happen at some point, considering the two had been friends for at least seven years. <br/>The first time he had gone neither of Felix’s parents were home, something he had realised later was probably intentional.<br/>He couldn’t remember much of the main interior, mainly because Felix had been too busy pulling him forward towards his bedroom that lay on the opposite side of the house, but what he could remember was that it was large and bright, almost sterile with it’s glossy white surfaces and strategically placed minimalist decoration. It felt like a show house, a mock set up like the ones you find in a furniture store; lifeless. </p>
<p>Felix’s room, however, was the complete opposite.<br/>Everywhere you looked there had been bright colors and soft textures: his light green shag carpet and bed spread that was covered in tiny little cartoon oranges. The little plastic shelves built into the walls on either side of the room, each one holding up a collection of action figures and memorabilia. It was almost as if all the color had been sucked out of the rest of the apartment to solely exist in this bedroom. </p>
<p>“Alright, I’m gonna get changed real quick and then we can go. D’you know if ‘Jinnie’s coming as well?” Felix made his way over to his chest of drawers, loosening the uniform tie around his neck with one hand as he ruffled through the drawer with the other.</p>
<p>Changbin nodded, holding his phone out even though Felix couldn't actually see the messages on the screen with his back turned to him.</p>
<p>“He said he has to do something with his mum first but he’ll come down as soon as he finishes up.” Changbin said, leaning back on his forearms. He looked up and tried to suppress his chuckle when he saw Felix somehow manage to get tangled up in the neck of his school shirt.</p>
<p>Hyunjin, or ‘Jinnie’, was one of the few other Koreans in their neighborhood and the only Korean outside of his parents Changbin could speak to in his mother tongue. He had come to England with his mum and little brother the year before, enrolling in one of the specialised international schools in the area and leaving his father back at home to help with the finances. Hyunjin was pretty much the only person Changbin could say that he genuinely felt close to among the group of friends he had made in England.<br/>Apart from Felix, of course, but he was held to a different standard anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Alright but he better hurry, because otherwise I <i>will</i> ditch you both to get home before my parents.” Felix had finally managed to wrestle his head out of his shirt, a little grin on his face that scrunched up his nose. </p>
<p>“And leave me alone in the park until he arrives!? Where is the loyalty!?”</p>
<p>With Felix successfully changed into a pair of tracksuit pants and a T-shirt with a giant Eevee printed on the front that Changbin had gifted him a couple years before for his birthday, Changbin pushed himself up off the bed and groaned as he stretched out his arms above him. They made their way over to the front door, passing by the giant living room that melted into a kitchen area, only separated by an island in the center. For all intents and purposes it was an incredible apartment, even if it looked more like a backdrop than an actual place to live.</p>
<p>“It’s kinda surprising we never hang out at your house. There’s so much <i>room</i>.” Changbin said, more to himself than to Felix but even then there was a slight stutter in Felix’s movement that would have been inconspicuous if it weren’t for the way Felix seemed to be making a show of not looking at Changbin while reaching for his shoes from the shoe rack.</p>
<p>“I dunno.” He replied, trying to shove his feet into his Nikes without loosening the laces. “There isn’t much to do here. And anyway, I like your house. It’s cozy,” promptly walking toward the front door. </p>
<p>“I have no idea why,” Changbin began, also jamming his feet into his trainers so he could hop over to where Felix was waiting for him outside. “Our place is a mess. You’ve got waaay more space to do stuff here. You could probably set up a whole mini-field in the living room!” </p>
<p>Changbin wasn’t naive enough to pretend he hadn’t noticed there was a certain kind of skeleton in Felix’s closet when it came to his parents. Any time they came up in conversation, any time there was any alluding towards them Felix would tense up, suddenly on guard. He knew practically everything about Felix, no secrets being kept between them except for the leering gray area that hovered behind him. He had heard about Felix’s grandparents, knew them almost as well as his own at this point with the amount of stories he’s heard but if asked Changbin wouldn’t have even been able to describe what Felix’s parents looked like. <br/>They were these mysterious shadows that loomed over Felix’s every decision and as much as Changbin wanted to ask about them he knew that some things were kept secret for a reason and he would just have to respect that.</p>
<p>Thankfully, much to Changbin’s relief, Felix finally let out a laugh, his eyes crinkling at the corners and successfully shattering the prickly air around them.</p>
<p>“I dunno how chuffed our cleaning lady would be about us scuffing up the floors she keeps so nicely polished, we might risk getting scalped.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>As the years go by, Changbin has begun to notice more and more younger people have started buying records.</p>
<p>Changbin’s dad loved it, said it brought life into the place. Changbin himself was relatively indifferent. <br/>Most of the people to come in were pretty friendly, regardless of how old they were. The older women and gentlemen came in to reminisce, usually telling Changbin stories behind certain albums and songs as he smiled at them politely, while the thirties-and-below kept to themselves, looking up album titles on their phones and laughing over the dated covers from older singers. Very rarely did anyone ever ask him for anything more than the direction towards a certain section and he liked it that way.</p>
<p> Some days, however, he hated it.<br/>Hated the giggles between friends, the excited polite whispers as they tried to keep their voices down. They reminded him of how lonely he was, reminded him of what he had once had.</p>
<p>Changbin had managed to keep a total of two friends after everything had begun to fall apart.<br/>Hyunjin had been the one to witness Changbin’s change in personality first hand, something that neither of them had really been prepared to have to deal with. They had been good friends, of course they had been, but ultimately there was an obvious difference between the way Changbin acted around Hyunjin and the way he did around Felix.<br/>He could only imagine how jarring it must have been for him but he had still stayed, had been there for him and held him together when no one else had bothered trying. Most of all, Hyunjin had been the one to give Changbin options when everything seemed to melt together into a bleak ocean of nothingness. Had been the one to plant the seed of going back to South Korea in Changbin’s head when nothing else seemed to help. It wasn’t an exaggeration when Changbin said that if it weren’t for him he wouldn’t be where he is today, figuratively and literally.</p>
<p>Jisung, on the other hand, had a bit of a harder time coming to terms with who Changbin had become, even if he refused to let it show.</p>
<p>They had been neighbors before Changbin’s family had gone to England, part of the same unofficial after school care hosted by a couple of the moms in the neighborhood to make it easier on the parents that had to be at work, but their parents had stayed in contact even after the move, keeping each other up to date on each others lives through email.</p>
<p>The Han’s had been the ones to pick them up from the airport, everyone packed into their old 2007 Hyundai Entourage with the chipping paint on the bumper and the bitter plastic smell that filled the air, and everyone had been polite enough to not comment on the fact that Changbin looked like he had just left a funeral procession as they all settled into their seats and excitedly chattered away.</p>
<p>Changbin had been told to sit at the very back with Jisung and if he had been less jetlagged he would have appreciated the fact that Jisung refused to allow a minute of silence to take over the conversation. He was loud and happy and bubbly and hadn’t changed at all to how he had been when he was a kid other than the fact that his voice was a bit deeper and his face had narrowed out. He swiftly talked over the angry silences that Changbin forced into the air until they were no longer so volatile, as if he was injecting his own aggressively positive aura into Changbin’s space.</p>
<p>Naturally Jisung had insisted on sticking around, even after weeks of Changbin rejecting invitations to hang out until he had worn him down. He had carved himself a space in Changbins life, had formed a niche that only he could inhabit and Changbin would be lying if he said he hadn’t come to appreciate his presence over the years. It was like a small glimpse into his old life, a little reprieve.</p>
<p>He was extremely grateful for his friends, the two of them had been so understanding and kind and had helped him reach some sort of normalcy but in the end he couldn’t help but miss the person he used to be.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘The park’, as Changbin had so lovingly called it, was less of a park as it was a kind of heath in the middle of the city. <br/>It had large, sloping fields and meadows that would fill up during the summer, sprinkled with families and friends having picnics and playing frisbee in the sun as well as wooded areas for those who would rather get away from the sweltering heat of Britain’s rogue two day heat waves. It was one of his favorite places, someplace he had been introduced to by his parents and had frequented enough to know it as well as the back of his hand. </p>
<p>He and Felix made their way down one of the paths that ran along the border of the grassy areas, pushing each other in and out of the shadows that speckled the pavement from the trees that lined either side. <br/>Somewhere off in the distance they could see a few kids playing, three boys running around and playing in the grass as two girls sat off to the side watching. As their path veered closer Changbin recognized that they were actually from their school, they would probably even go as far as to say they were acquaintances. <br/>One of them seemed to have spotted Changbin and waved them over frantically before standing up and dusting off the grass that clung to their clothes.<br/>It was fairly obvious that Changbin wouldn’t be able to carry on walking without seeming rude. </p>
<p>“‘You ok with us going over for a second to say hello? I’ll try to keep it quick and then we can just go to our spot.” He asked, his hand resting on Felix’s forearm.</p>
<p>Felix let out a strained smile, readjusting the football under his arm. “Yeah… Yeah, I’ll be alright. Let’s go say hi.”</p>
<p>Felix tended to have a bit of a tough time getting along with the boys at their school.<br/>They looked down on him, mocked his Australian accent when he was younger and passive-aggressively mocked his British accent now, even though most of his twang had dissipated after six years. They made fun of his more delicate features, calling him names and derogatory slurs disguised as ‘mates just poking fun’ and always made a show of not inviting him to places when they extended hangouts to others. Changbin didn’t really like spending much time with them to be honest.</p>
<p>“Oy Changbin! How’s it going bruv? Fancy seeing you here!” One of the boys called out, already making his way over to meet them.<br/>Although he wasn’t very fond of them, they seemed to be extremely fond of <i>him</i>.<br/>But that’s ultimately how Changbin worked, always everybody's favorite</p>
<p> “Oh you know, just hanging out with my boy Felix!” He smiled sweetly in response, quietly observing the way just mentioning his friend’s name made their faces twitch before their glances shot in Felix’s direction. Felix had his own eyes glued to the ground, scuffing his shoe against the grass as he waited for Changbin to finish with his pleasantries. Somewhere off to the side the girls could be heard giggling, singing little choruses of ‘Hi Felix’ from where they were sitting. Felix smiled and gave them a little wave.</p>
<p>The two other boys made their way over to join them, the three of them creating a wall between them and the girls. It was almost funny how obvious their jealousy was.</p>
<p>Somehow boldened by the sudden appearance of his friends arriving to his side, the first one to make his way over suddenly slung his arm around Changbin’s neck, not so subtly pulling him towards the others and further away from Felix.</p>
<p>“You should come join us! We were gonna play and then go to the shops for a bit. Ya know, take the girls out for a bit.” He winked as he said this, nodding his head in the direction of the girls who were both laughing at something on one of their phones.</p>
<p>It was obvious the invitation had only been reached out to Changbin, and he could see the way Felix’s jaw clenched from beside him, allowing his eyes to flick up to Changbin before being redirected back to the floor.<br/>He had always been very adamant about Changbin feeling like he could spend time with people other than him. He understood that Changbin was popular, understood that he had the possibility to hang out with anyone he could want but still chose to spend every day with Felix and a piece of him always seemed to feel guilty for taking up so much of Changbin’s time, as if it was a favor to him. As if Changbin would rather spend his time with anyone else.</p>
<p>Changbins smile remained on his face as he tried his best to ignore the feeling of the boy’s sticky skin on his neck from where his arm was wrapped around his shoulders, and laughed.</p>
<p>“Sorry guys, as much as I would <i>love</i> to join you, I already have prior engagements.” Changbin did nothing to hide the blatant sarcasm coloring his voice before gingerly picking up his classmate’s arm and unwrapping it from his neck.<br/>As soon as the pressure on his shoulders was gone, he pulled himself away, turning to wave a last goodbye to the girls and pulling at Felix’s arm for the two of them to walk away. </p>
<p>“Thanks for the invite though!” He called over his shoulder, steering them both back towards the path, figuring it was best if they didn’t turn around to see their reactions.</p>
<p>Once they were a safe enough distance away, he looked over to see Felix finally smiling at him, moving the football to his other arm before throwing it around Changbin’s shoulder in a way that was significantly more invited than the one from his classmate.</p>
<p>“Thank you for saying you’d rather hang out with me than them.” He said, “I really can’t stand those guys. I don’t know why they have to be so fucking pretentious all the time.” <br/>His face was skewed in an expression of mild disgust, making Changbin laugh.</p>
<p>He couldn’t understand how Felix would even consider the possibility of Changbin wanting to hang out with anyone else, let alone <i>them</i>. </p>
<p>“You’re my best friend, Felix. Of <i>course</i> I’ll always choose you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As per usual, lemme know what you guys thought!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. New Faces With Old Smiles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The introduction of a new friend forces Changbin to become reacquainted with feelings the he would had preferred stay buried indefinitely.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know, I know, my regular weekly scheduling fell through atrociously but I did warn you the first chapter that I am many things, consistent not being one of them.</p>
<p>I decided to make this chapter a little longer than the others, partially to make up for the fact it's two weeks late but also because I just couldn't find a cut off point that felt right.</p>
<p>Hope you guys enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was an obnoxious ringing coming from somewhere past Changbin’s consciousness and it wasn’t until he accepted that there was no way he would be able to ignore it and fall back asleep that he realised the sound was coming from his own phone.</p>
<p>He stared down at the screen, one eye clamped shut and the other barely open as he tried to make out the blurry letters on the screen.<br/>
<i>Of course</i> Jisung would be the one to call him this early.</p>
<p>“What do you want.” Changbin barked, his voice croaking from sleep.</p>
<p><i>“Well good morning to you too, sunshine.”</i> Jisung’s laugh whispered over the speaker as Changbin pressed his phone to his ear hard enough for his groggy brain to decipher what he was saying.<br/>
He ran his free hand down his face, rubbing his fingers into his eyes to ease the headache that was already beginning to form behind them.</p>
<p>“Good morning my ass, what do you want and why did you have to call me about it <i>now</i>?”  </p>
<p><i>“I figured you would like an excuse to put your usual lonely wallowing on pause to spend some time with your best friend in the whole wide world before his class in the afternoon!”</i> His chipperness was almost insulting considering the hour on the clock hadn’t even reached the double digits yet</p>
<p>Changbin let out a sigh. “I regret to inform you that you’re barely my friend, let alone the best one in the world.”</p>
<p>The sound of someone blowing out air through their mouth as a mix between a laugh and a good humored splutter could be heard on the other end of the line before Jisung continued. <i>“Oh come on, I know you don’t mean that. I’ll buy your crabby ass breakfast, even if you don’t deserve it.”</i></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Considering how long it had been since Jisung had reinserted himself into Changbin’s life and vice versa, he was more than used to his random bouts of brusqueness. Whether or not he was exceptionally tolerant of it because of Changbin’s general fragility was an entirely different matter.</p>
<p>They had agreed to meet up at a cafe that wasn’t too far off campus and, blessedly, on a bus route that allowed Changbin to only have to take one bus with no transfers.<br/>
It was fairly large, most of the booths filled with students chatting or typing away on their laptops with papers sprawled across the table. Jisung had managed to snag a booth in the corner by the window and far enough away from the rest of the people in the cafe, something that Changbin really appreciated. He made his way over as quickly as he could, smiling at the way Jisung was enthusiastically waving him over and sliding in across from him so he was facing the window. There was an iced americano already placed in front of him.</p>
<p>“Ok, I have a confession to make.” Jisung says as soon as Changbin had taken a sip of his drink making him pause and look up at him suspiciously.<br/>
“I know I said the reason I called you out was just to spend some time before class, but, while that is also true, I may have also had an ulterior motive.”</p>
<p>Changbin watches as Jisung fiddles around in his pocket for his phone and headphones, reaching one out to him as he puts the other in his ear.</p>
<p>Just as he’s about to ask what it is he wants, music begins to play from the headphone, pausing him in his tracks as his mind instantly focuses on it.</p>
<p>It’s mostly instrumental still, a heavy drum line that shifts into a funky synth before melting into something more atmospheric and ethereal. It’s light and jazzy, mutedly happy like rays of sun shining through fall leaves and Changbin has never heard anything like it.</p>
<p>“Did you make this?” Changbin asked, taking the earbud out of his ear and reaching it over to Jisung who snorted in response.</p>
<p>“God, I wish. This is from that dude I’ve been telling you about, the one that posts those instagram lives of him just talking about music. He used to make videos of song breakdowns on youtube and I only recently found out he has a whole soundcloud with songs he’s predominantly written himself.” Jisung replied, sliding his phone across the table and letting Changbin scroll through his profile.</p>
<p>There had been a point in Changbin’s life where he had wanted to study music.<br/>
He had wanted to get his Bachelors, something to make use of the decades of music knowledge that had been drilled into his head just by growing up around his father, but when his mental health began to take a turn for the worse, the idea seemed further and further out of reach until he decided it was better to keep it hidden on the back shelf of his mind, where it couldn’t taunt him anymore.</p>
<p>About a year into their rekindled friendship, Jisung had admitted to Changbin that he was enrolling in Dankook University to major in music production. Years of abandoned dreams had smashed into him and reminded him of everything he had lost and given up just because he hadn’t been strong enough to hold on. While it had thrown him into another bout of depression it was, ironically, Jisung’s request for help that ended up bringing him out of it, coaxing him past his threshold and bringing him back to the world of the living. It had taken days of fighting, of declined calls and locked doors, before Changbin had finally succumbed, even if it was after he was threatened by his mother, but he couldn’t find it in himself to resent her for it because the moment he had sat down it felt as if everything had begun to slowly shift back into place.<br/>
Since then Changbin has assisted him on almost every single one of his assignments, something that Changbin was beginning to suspect Jisung did more for his sake than for his own.</p>
<p>“I actually reached out to him a couple months ago, told him I was a fan and that if he ever found himself in Seoul I would love to meet up and pick his brain and guess what! He responded!”</p>
<p>Changbin smiled, unable to keep up his grumpy facade faced with such unfettered enthusiasm. “That’s awesome Jisung. I’m so happy for you.”</p>
<p>“That’s not all though!” Jisung yelled, raising his hand in apology when one of the servers requested he quiet down. “He told me yesterday that he and a friend of his are planning on moving to Seoul in a couple weeks and that he can’t wait to meet me in person! I’m so excited!”</p>
<p>He took an excited drink from his own iced coffee, gasping when he finished and dramatically slouching against the back of the booth, making Changbin laugh.</p>
<p>“Is that why you needed to call me out at such an ungodly hour?” Changbin griped, still smiling to show he wasn’t actually mad.</p>
<p>“Yep. I’m sorry but I had to tell someone about it and I needed in-person, real time reactions.” Jisung responded, unapologetically.</p>
<p>“And you couldn’t find anyone else so you could have told me at a later, more appropriate, time and date?”</p>
<p>Jisung laughed as he reached out for his coffee, pointing the straw in Changbin’s direction and winking. “You’re the only one that matters, baby,” before ducking away from the ice cube flying in his direction.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yo Felix, c’mere and check out this song I found yesterday.”</p>
<p>Every day, or at least the ones where it wasn't raining, Felix and Changbin would spend their lunch break hanging out by the walls at the back of their school.<br/>
It was mostly hidden, between two elderflower trees that had grown well over the bricks that ran along the grounds and formed an almost-roof on top of them. It was peaceful there, smelling of flowers in the spring and giving them berries to eat in the summer, even if they had to endure a lecture from their teachers whenever they came back to class with their white shirts covered in purple splotches. </p>
<p>Today they were sitting there again, the leaves around them beginning their transition from green to yellow as they huddled together to share Changbin’s earbuds. It had become almost like a tradition to them, Changbin discovering new music and showing it to Felix the next time they hung out. He liked the way Felix would scrunch up his forehead listening to the song, trying to focus on every little sound as if memorizing it, and then seeing the way his face would suddenly open up when it was done before going into an in-depth explanation of all the things he liked and disliked about it.<br/>
Felix wasn’t exposed to music the same way Changbin was. Yeah, he had grown up classically trained in playing the piano and cello but when it came to anything outside of that he was extremely restricted, his knowledge reaching about as far as the few songs he heard on the radio whenever he was forced to be driven to school again.</p>
<p>Changbin had taken it upon himself to broaden his knowledge, teaching him genres and eras, the timelines and influences. Which fights had brought about which songs and whose lives were changed based on the results. It was fun, both for him and for Felix, this little common ground.</p>
<p>As soon as Felix had managed to squish the earbud into his ear Changbin pressed play on his phone and watched as Felix went into analyzation mode, closing his eyes and nodding along to the beat.<br/>
The <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNCd_ERZvZM&amp;list=PLBjzyxL96t9YLGxbsQrwGML0qVsYbu5YH&amp;ab_channel=Brainfeeder">song</a> itself was funkier than the stuff he had shown him thus far, the melody bouncing like a bungee cord along with the drums in the background before soft soulful vocals joined in. </p>
<p>Changbin let himself just watch Felix for a little while, seeing the little twitches in his face at certain switches in tone and was once again really glad for the shelter the elder bushes gave them from the rest of the world. Anything interrupting this moment of serenity would be borderline sacrilegious.</p>
<p>Sometimes, in moments like these when the silence envelopes them in a bubble where time no longer exists and thoughts can roam free like ivy, Changbin realises how bizarre it actually is that Felix and him happened to be in the same place at the same time long enough to become friends.<br/>
Nothing of their lives should have overlapped, realistically.<br/>
They came from different countries, different backgrounds, different life-styles. They were brought into this world for different reasons and exposed to such different levels of emotional capacity and yet here they were, together, under yellowing leaves and overcast skies, sharing headphones and a soul. It could almost be considered magic.</p>
<p>Just as the song began coming to a close, Changbin shook his head to bring himself back to the present. The sounds of their classmates screaming and laughing streaming back into his ears like a tidal wave, the cold suddenly biting at his skin.<br/>
Felix opened his eyes, blinking his pupils back to size before turning to Changbin with a smile, teeth and all.</p>
<p>“Man, how do you keep on finding these songs!? It’s incredible!”</p>
<p>Changbin laughs, the sound warbling a little from the shivers that have begun wracking through his body now that he’s aware of them. </p>
<p>“I dunno, I guess it’s just a matter of being at the right place at the right time.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The meeting with the infamous CB97 was set on course a lot faster than Changbin would have expected.<br/>
Most people, when moving to an entirely different country, would want to give themselves at least a week or two to settle in, even if just to adjust to the jet lag. Chris Bang, on the other hand, seemed to be an entirely new breed of human.</p>
<p>Jisung received a message at three o’clock in the morning on a tuesday announcing that Chris and his friend had arrived at Incheon airport with a string of exclamation marks and almost audible enthusiasm, shocking considering he had just spent the past ten hours cooped up in a plane.<br/>
He unfortunately hadn’t been awake when the message came in but that didn’t matter much considering Chris’s enthusiasm seemed just as strong when he responded to Jisung within seconds five hours later when he had finally woken up.</p>
<p>“I don’t know when he sleeps because I swear this man answers me instantly whenever I message him, no matter what time.” </p>
<p>Jisung and Changbin were hanging out at Jisung’s apartment, a little one bedroom near their old neighborhood and, blessedly, affordable enough that Jisung didn’t need to have any roommates. Changbin liked to spend a good portion of his time there, relishing in the feeling of personal space even if it wasn’t his own. Jisung didn’t seem to mind, even went as far as to give Changbin an extra key, just in case he needed it. He really should be nicer to his friends.</p>
<p>“Are you sure this guy is alright? I don’t know any normal human being who would survive a flight like that and still be that chipper. It’s unnatural.” Changbin reached over Jisung’s shoulder from where he was sitting on the little couch, rustling around in the bag of shrimp chips on the table in front of them. </p>
<p>Jisung stretched his legs out across the carpet, underneath the coffee table, and rotated his ankles to get some of the circulation back that he had lost from sitting cross-legged on the floor for so long.<br/>
Today was a rare day where Jisung didn’t have any classes to attend and usually the game plan for those days were the two of them lounging around his apartment and bingeing whatever show they could find in his watchlist. It was nice, calming. Sometimes Hyunjin would join them but more often than not it was just the two of them, catching up on anything they could have missed in each others lives, enjoying the muted companionship of two people who had spent long enough together to not fill every moment with words.</p>
<p>“Honestly, he seems really sweet. Like yeah, he’s crazy energetic but it’s kinda nice, you know? It doesn’t feel like he’s treading on eggshells all the time. I love that about foreigners.”</p>
<p>Being exposed to South Korean politeness after spending the latter half of his life growing up in a country where it manifested itself so differently was one of the things Changbin had found himself having the hardest time getting used to after coming back to Seoul.<br/>
Suddenly he had to avoid looking into certain peoples eyes, had to change his intonation depending on whom he was speaking to, age difference and social status suddenly came with their own set of worries. It was just another factor that contributed to him shutting himself away, all these unspoken rules and regulations being too much for someone to handle when they couldn’t find it themselves to really <i>care</i> about any of it.<br/>
After his third altercation with someone thinking he was actively trying to disrespect them, Changbin decided it was easier to just not interact at all.</p>
<p>“Yeah but to go as far as to set up a meeting literally two days after he arrived? I’ve lived here for three years and I still need like a week of preparation just to go on the train.”</p>
<p>Jisung laughed as he grabbed a handful of shrimp chips, spilling dust all over his face and shirt. “Yeah but you’re another kind of extreme, hyung. Maybe he’s just a people person.”</p>
<p>“Or a serial killer,” Changbin said in a bored voice as he looked for the remote so he could press ‘continue playing’.</p>
<p>“Nah, I don’t think so. He’s way too public to be a serial killer. If he were a serial killer someone would have found out already. Anyway, why are you suddenly being so paranoid? Do I mean <i>that</i> much to you?” Jisung fluttered his eyes as he turned around to face Changbin, flavoring powder still smeared all around his mouth.</p>
<p>“How are you so gross, honestly.” Changbin mumbled as he wiped across Jisung’s face with one of the couch cushions, ignoring the way Jisung furiously batted at it. “Aren’t I allowed to be mildly concerned for my friend? Besides the fact that I definitely won’t be able to afford to keep this apartment if you die.”<br/>
“Im hurt. But if you’re oh so worried about <i>my<i> apartment, you can always come with me. Protect me with your little buff body.”</i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“I resent that last part and just for that I’m going to let you get murdered, apartment or not.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>As much as he was joking about it he realised that Jisung did have a point, that Changbin could just go with him and scope out the scene in case anything happens.<br/>
But a part of him, an admittedly large part, was too scared to. And this time not just because of the anxious little spiders that crawled through his veins whenever he thought of meeting someone new.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“You know what, maybe you should come,” Jisung said, turning around his whole body so he was facing Changbin, completely ignoring the movie that was playing on the tv. “It could be fun, having someone else to talk to about music, you know? Not to mention that it would probably be nice for him to know he already has a few friends here.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“I dunno, do I <i>really</i> need any more friends?”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Jisung let out a laugh. “What, are the two friends you have already too overwhelming for you?”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Have you even met yourself?” Changbin accepts the smack he gets on his shoulder for that with a laugh, rubbing at the spot while Jisung pouts at him.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Alright, alright. I’ll think about it. I can’t guarantee I’ll go, but I’ll try.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It’s later that week, as he sits outside a convenience store with Hyunjin after his shift, that Changbin begins to second guess his offer.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“What exactly is it that’s making you so torn about meeting this guy?”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“I dunno it’s just… You know how it is. Meeting people is a lot for me. I haven’t had to make acquaintances with someone in years, dude. I don’t even think I know how to anymore.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin watched as Hyunjin stirred around in the cup of instant ramen he had just bought, prodding the noodles with his chopsticks before putting the lid back down to allow them to cook longer. He stuck the ends of the chopsticks into his mouth, sucking at the flavoring.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“I can understand that, but you aren’t going to be alone. Jisung’s gonna be right there in all his loud-mouthed glory. Not to mention the fact that you already know you have at least one thing in common with this guy. Just geek out over music.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Hyunjin was, in a word, extraordinary.<br/>
About a week before he had been set to finish his further education, he pulled his parents aside and informed them that he planned on going back to Korea. No one had seen this decision coming, and as the years went by it was becoming increasingly apparent that Hyunjin was no exception.<br/>
He had claimed it was because he wanted to reconnect with his roots, to go back to the motherland and be immersed in its culture but while Hyunjin’s parents had eaten it up with praise and sparkly eyes, Changbin had an inclination that that wasn’t the main reason for his decision.<br/>
Because ultimately Changbin knew Hyunjin. Knew that for him there was very little more important to him than friendship. Knew that Hyunjin had had every plan to continue his higher education in England and then to move to New York to be smack dab in the center of the world of fashion until Changbin started changing. He never asked if he was the reason Hyunjin had done what he did because he didn’t have to.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>However even after he had moved back to Seoul, had enrolled in a school that had an impressive enough business program to appeal to his parents, his sporadic nature didn't change.<br/>
He was about three months into the school year, his dorm set up, his classes aligned and thriving when suddenly he dropped out, having been casted on the street by a modelling agency while he was in the midst of inhaling a hotdog.<br/>
Hyunjin had never feared repercussions, had lived his life on a whim as much as humanly possible and it was admirable of him; admirable that he was able to be so carefree and open hearted to anything the world handed him, even if the odds seemed out of his favor.<br/>
Confidence ran through his veins like magic and strangely enough it helped Changbin push forward, helped him want to be better and take more chances. </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“What if we don’t like the same music.” Changbin replied slowly.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Oh come on Changbin, is that really the best you can come up with? Dude, if that’s the worst thing that comes out of that hang out it would have still been a great hang out.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin glared at him from across the table. “What part of this is supposed to make me feel better about all this?”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“The part where the worst case scenario you’ve managed to come up with is nothing more than a mild inconvenience.” Hyunjin said, once again peeling back the lid of the cup and giving it one last stir before shoving a ridiculous amount into his mouth. Judging by his vaguely disgusted expression the noodles could have done with another minute. “An’ even ip eberyfing goesh to shit, wha doesh it madduh?” </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin grimaced as he slid one of the napkins across the table. For someone with such a pretty face he had terrible eating habits. “Well for one, I don’t think my ego would be unscathed if I can’t even get the world’s friendliest human being to like me. Also this is really important for Jisung. I don’t wanna be the reason someone he idolizes thinks he’s an idiot.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Hyunjin takes a moment to properly chew the rest of his food. “Well, to be fair, he’s gonna have to find out he’s an idiot at SOME po- ow!” Hyunjin rubbed the part of his arm where Changbin had hit him before continuing. “Also I think you’re building this up more than it is. It’s not like he’s next in line to get a global peace prize or something, he’s just a guy that posts tutorials on youtube.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“First of all,” Changbin says as he flicks the crumpled up chopstick wrapper he had been squishing into a ball at his friend’s face “He doesn’t just upload tutorials, he has some of his own tracks as well. And second of all, you haven’t heard his stuff, Hyunjin. It’s really good. Like <i>really</i> good.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah, but so is your guys’ stuff.” Hyunjin shovels what’s left of the noodles into his mouth, tipping the paper bowl up towards his face. “I may give Jisung a lot of shit but if there’s one thing the fucker is good at it’s making music. Not to mention the couple times you guys actually collaborated.”<br/>
He put the empty container back on the table, wiping away at his mouth with the back of his sleeve before turning to completely face Changbin.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Look, I’m obviously not here to pressure you into making a decision, you have your reasons and I respect that but I also know that you sometimes tend to let your overthinking stand in the way of what could potentially make you happy. I think this could also be a good excuse for you to kind of, you know... branch out a little.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>He had a point and Changbin knew it, even if it rubbed every single one of his fibres the wrong way. Obviously Changbin had known he would have to leave his little bubble of security at some point, but that didn't make it any less unnerving.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Alright,” Changbin murmured, fingers picking at the scrapes in the plastic table beneath him. If not for himself, he owed it at least to them to not run away. “I’ll do it.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>***</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Have you ever thought about what you wanted to do in the future? Like properly?”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin and Felix were sitting on the bank next to the lake, staring out across the water as the chilly wind snuck through their sweaters and ruffled through their hair. The park around them was beginning to show signs of winter, the golds and yellows melting into brown and gray as life seeped from it more and more each day. The grass they sat on was damp and a little muddy, the moisture seeping into their jeans and adding to the overall chill of the day but neither of them really felt like going home just yet, each for their own reasons.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Well yeah, I guess. Why do you ask?” Changbin responded, turning his head to look at Felix.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“I dunno, I just,” Felix looked down at his knees, tracing his fingers against the ridges of his bones under the fabric. “I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted to do but I’m starting to wonder if I ever really did. If any of it was something I actually wanted or if I just convinced myself that it was because everyone told me to.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It wasn't common for Felix to talk about his problems. In fact, it was as if he went out of his way to avoid talking about them. He was supposed to be the happy one, the one from a wealthy household who had everything he could possibly want.<br/>
Changbin, however, had long since realised that there was something not quite right with Felix’s home life, regardless of how pristine it seemed on the surface. It was hidden in the lost stares and nervous glances, in the way he prolonged goodbyes and arrived at Changbin’s hours before he had to. The signs were there but whenever he was asked about it Felix would deny it. Write it off as being too tired, too hungry, too unfocused. Ultimately who was he to complain when his life was perfect?</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Well what do you imagine for yourself when you think about your future? Like, what do you see?” </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Felix let out a breath, hand stilling as he looked out across the water again with a grimace.<br/>
“I see me in a suit, working at my dad’s company alongside him, making six figures a week.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“And does that make you happy? Seeing yourself like that?”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>The silence is frigid, cold enough to freeze everything around them. The sheer weight of Changbin’s question pushes down on them, Felix’s shoulders curled in with the weight of it. They both knew the answer before the question was even asked.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Maybe. Future me has a dog.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin laughs softly, the sound melting in with the crinkling of the leaves in the wind. “Well that’s something at least.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Having had enough of the general numbness that had overtaken his butt, Changbin pushes himself off the ground, wiping the stray pieces of dead grass off his palms before reaching one out for Felix to hold on to.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Look, I know there are a lot of reasons I don't entirely know of that are leading you to make the decisions you are, but you deserve to do something that makes you genuinely happy. And not just because you might potentially have a dog. You deserve to do something you <i>love</i>.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Felix pauses as his hand loosely rests in Changbin’s before tightening his grip and pulling himself up. He’s already a little bit taller than Changbin, just enough to tilt his eyes down when talking to him. There’s something swimming in them, dark and cloudy and so antithetical to everything he portrays himself to be. It’s a window leading to an empty room filled with decaying boards and shattered glass and for the first time in his life Changbin feels scared when looking at him. But not for himself. Never for himself.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>He watches as Felix blinks away whatever had been peeking out from the borders of his carefully constructed mask, taking his hand from Changbin’s and rubbing it across his own shoulder, as if he were consoling himself, protecting himself from anyone trying to break in.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“I really wish that were the case.” And with that he began making his way towards the front entrance of the park.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>***</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Jisung and Changbin had set to meet Chan on an upcoming Saturday, something that wouldn’t have been a problem if Changbin hadn’t already been on the brink of a mental breakdown about an hour after they had set it up on Thursday.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>The ride there had been torturous, every sway of the train adding to the nausea that had already settled at the base of Changbin's throat. He tried to distract himself by staring out the window and counting the green rooftops as they sped past them, but it was becoming increasingly hard to focus on them when Jisung was determinedly debating the logistics behind food names.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Which begs the question on whether or not smoothie bowls should be considered a sub-class of soup.” </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin closes his eyes as he exasperatedly sighs, just the mention of soup making his stomach curl. “Fourty three.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Jisung pauses in his gesticulation to turn to Changbin with wide eyes. “What?”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Fourty three roofs is how many I’ve been able to count since you started talking about fucking smoothie bowl semantics.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>The address Chris had sent them was a small collection of studios hidden away in one of the side streets of Gangnam. According to Naver it should be a thirteen minute walk from the station, something Changbin was definitely looking forward to despite the fact that the weather was brutally beating down on them in the form of a wool blanket of humidity.<br/>
The metallic voice coming from the speakers above them notified them of their next stop, Jisung already collecting his ridiculously large backpack with materials he brought to show off as Changbin took a moment to make sure nothing had fallen out of his pockets.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Even just feeling the solid ground of the station underneath his feet instantly filled his body with relief, the queasy feeling in his stomach settling down as he willed his jelly legs to move in the direction of the exit with the rest of the people that had gotten off.<br/>
Unsurprisingly it was fairly busy out, his shoulders bumping against others trying to walk past on the escalator and sliding against walls and railings as he tried to step out of the way. Jisung was directly ahead of him, his head turning back every once in a while to make sure they hadn’t lost each other with a hand stretched out just in case Changbin needed to grab onto it. </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Much as he had expected, the air is thick and sticky, getting caught in his lungs as soon as he stepped out of the a/c regulated station. He took another look down at his phone, shielding the screen from the glare to see which direction they had to walk in to reach the studio, Jisung next to him making faces at a baby sitting in a stroller.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Ok, so if we keep following this street for about two blocks, we should reach the road that leads directly to his studio.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Jisung gave one last wave at the baby and turned back to face Changbin.<br/>
“Alrighty right, lead the way!”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>The walk was not as bad as both Jisung and Changbin had anticipated, most of it being in the shade of the buildings that protected them from the afternoon sun. Once they had reached their destination, the first thing Changbin noticed was that the studio building seemed pretty inconspicuous from the outside, something that was somehow both reassuring and unsettling at the same time. It wasn’t much taller than three floors but spread out across the span of three buildings opposite, something quite rare for a city like Seoul where everything was built vertically to save space. Changbin checked his phone screen for the fifth time to make sure they were at the right place at the right time.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Dude, I can practically feel the anxiety pouring out of you, just relax. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. I’ll do most of the talking and you can just hang back and butt in whenever you feel like it. Remember, if either of us should be feeling nervous, it’s me.”<br/>
He pulled out his phone from the back pocket of his cargo shorts, opening up instagram to text Chris that they were outside while Changbin hopped from foot to foot as some kind of distraction.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>He knew he had nothing to worry about but somehow he felt like this meeting was for him, like he was the one that had something to prove, seeing as Jisung had already proven himself over text. There was this certain pressure that came with being a plus one, a feeling of needing to live up to or exceed whatever expectations may have been set in place for you.<br/>
He was in the midst of furiously tapping out a beat on his thigh with his fingertips when the front door squeaked open, a man with wavy bleached hair stepping out and greeting them with a huge smile.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Chris was… nothing like Changbin had expected. For starters one of the first things he did was introduce himself as Chan and go on a long tangent about how the only person who called him Chris was his roommate and that he wanted to create a fresh slate in Seoul, figuring using his Korean name was the best way to go about it. The speed and enthusiasm with which he talked was almost infectious, so carefree and welcoming as if they weren’t complete strangers that were meeting for the first time today.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Ok, so I wasn’t sure if you guys had eaten or not so I got some snacks from the store. You guys like sweets? Savory? Sour? I have everything!” Chan led them into his studio which was set in the corner of the second floor. He said he was appreciative of it because it added a certain coziness. It also meant a slightly larger studio space with only one neighbor.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>To no one’s surprise, Jisung seemed to have no problem matching Chan’s energy. He had barely taken a moment to look around the room before he was already sitting down in one of the extra seats by the console and accepting a bag of chips Chan held out to him.<br/>
Changbin on the other hand was still a little more wary, standing awkwardly by the front door and looking around the space for somewhere he could stand that was out of the way enough for him to melt into the general background.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It wasn’t until Chan suddenly turned to him, smiling with the kind of smile that was so intensely genuine that he found himself being thoroughly caught off guard. It wasn’t so much the friendliness that did it as it was the memories it dredged up. Of a different smile.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“It’s so good to finally meet you, Changbin. Jisung here has told me so much about you. All good of course.” He said the last part with a wink, reaching over the pile of snacks on the little coffee table for one of the bottles of green tea that was lined against the wall. He offered it to him without saying anything and smiled wider when Changbin accepted it. He appreciated it considering that the nerves had successfully drained any kind of moisture from his mouth until it felt powdery and stuck together.<br/>
He was surprised at just how softly Chan had spoken to him, as if he could feel Changbin’s trepidation.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Throughout the day Chan directed most of his questions towards Jisung, still making sure that his attention was distributed towards both of them as he spoke. He involved Changbin as much as he could without putting him on the spot, asking him a question here and there, facing him when he’s in the middle of telling a funny anecdote about him and his roommate. Against all of Changbin’s expectations he found himself thawing out, melting into the surroundings comfortably as opposed to the grating, prickling feeling that usually accompanied any kind of social visits.<br/>
It was strange, just how secure he felt with Chan, how easy it was to like him. </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>By the time they left Chan in his studio it neared one in the morning, the streets filled with people making their way between the clubs and bars in the area. Small groups of girls giggling and singing as they stumbled past on too-high heels and guys loudly arguing without any real aggression. Restaurant owners smoking cigarettes outside of their establishments as they wait for the second wave of customers to make their way in. There was so much more life in this neighborhood than Changbin was used to, especially at this hour, but he supposed that’s why there were songs about Gangnam and not his shabby cul de sac up on the hill. </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>They made their way down the street, towards the subway station, the sticky air filled with the smells of late night food stalls, when Jisung decided to speak up.<br/>
“Man, isn’t he just the coolest? Like I knew he was gonna be cool but I didn’t know he was gonna be that awesome.” </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin nodded. As they were leaving, Chan had enveloped both of them in a bear hug before letting them go, even going so far as to offer them a cab so they wouldn’t have to take public transit so late at night. It was almost bizarre how comfortable it had felt just existing in the same space as him, as if he had always been a part of them.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Do you think it’s an Australian thing? Being that friendly?” Jisung asked, his voice a little whispery from the amount of talking he had done.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Well, it sure would explain a lot.” Changbin replied quietly, feeling the calm that he had been enveloped by a couple minutes ago slowly morph into something bitter.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>He let Jisung ramble on about whatever it was that he wanted until he got too tired to keep the conversation going, not really in the mood for talking anymore. The train ride home was stilted and empty, the kind of overwhelming quiet that always seemed to take over public spaces at night, accentuated by the emptiness that began to fill through his body and Jisung’s nodding off in the seat next to him.<br/>
Despite it not being that late there were barely any people in the train car with them. Almost all the seats around them were empty except for one older homeless man nodding off in the corner and three girls in their twenties huddled in the opposite corner of the car as they quietly discussed something on one of their phones.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It was strange, this emptiness.<br/>
He hadn’t felt it so strongly in years, not since he left England.<br/>
It’s a kind of yearning, a deafening silence of the spirit after it had been overwhelmed in laughter and brightness.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin enjoyed being on his own, he really did. He enjoyed not having to worry about his social battery draining or keeping the threads of his being together long enough to make it home. He loved his friends, there was no doubting that, but despite it there was still a certain level of tenseness that took over with them. But Chan felt comfortable. Chan was a warm bath at the end of a difficult work week, a cup of tea after a walk in snowy winds, and something about that rubbed him the wrong way. As if he was betraying the memories he had held on to so tightly by experiencing them with someone else.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>He got off a good three stops away from his original destination to walk the rest of the way home, softly shaking Jisung awake before picking himself up and demanding he texted him as soon as he got home so Changbin knew he was safe. He needed a bit of time to himself, to allow himself to reform the ugly thoughts that were beginning to swirl around his head. </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>The streets were completely empty, all the store windows darkened and shutters lowered. Somewhere in the distance he could hear a fight break out between some of the stray cats in the area but otherwise everything was silent.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin walked along the empty sidewalk, shadows from the trees covering up the streetlights and interrupting the bright patches of orange that illuminated the path. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his ripped jeans, his eyes and ears focused on his sneakers hitting the pavement with every step, almost hypnotised with the movement. The air was surprisingly fresh, considering the almost unbearable humidity that had overtaken the city earlier. He inhaled, the smell of warm cement and the trees scattered along the street overtaking the smells of food and coffee that had filled the streets before, diluted by hours of silence.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>He had tried so hard to not compare Chan to Felix, but there was no denying that, their homeland aside, there were similarities.<br/>
The way he laughed without discretion, open and shameless, the way his accent snuck its way into his words whenever he got particularly excited, even the jokes he made sound like something that could have come straight out of Felix’s mouth. He couldn't help but wonder if maybe a piece of him, the small masochistic part of his brain, had been <i>trying</i> to find the similarities, subconsciously reaching for any thread, any blip of an instance to force Changbin to remember. He slowed down his walking, coming to a stop in front of a small apartment complex surrounded by a three foot wall and leaned against it, finally removing his hands from his pockets to rub at his face. He wondered if he would ever be able to be free of the ghost of Felix’s memory if even his own brain seemed to be conspiring against him.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>There was a pinging noise from his pocket, making him reach in and activate his phone screen to see an instagram notification telling him <i>CB97 is now following you</i>.<br/>
He opened the app, clicking on the little “follow back” button before his username, scrolling through his instagram.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It was fairly simple, to be honest, mostly snippets of songs he was working on with the rare selfie sprinkled in whenever he was celebrating a specific milestone. The only thing giving away anything of his personality were the enthusiastic captions he posted on every single picture as well as his replies to almost all of the comments, that became more and more the newer the posts became. It was just another testament to how all-encompassingly good he was.<br/>
It made the spikes under Changbin’s skin prickle.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>What surprised Changbin was that there were no pictures or posts with his friends, even his tagged photos being predominantly fan made or from family members.</i><br/>
He had expected to at least see something, anything, even if it was just a post made with his roommate in their new apartment but there was nothing. Just endless screen records of production software.<br/>
He was just about to give up, feeling increasingly creepy as the dates on the posts became further and further away from today when he saw one picture that had someone other than just him. It was from four years prior, a grainy photo of Chan posing in the foreground with his curly hair spread out around his face, just barely hiding someone that was sitting on a bench behind him covering their face with their sleeve. The background was mostly dark apart from a playground that was highlighted by one of the large lights above them, indicating they must have been in some kind of park.<br/>
The caption didn’t give anything away as to who it could be, only the words “Hanging with the best friend!” with an almost embarrassing string of emojis following it.
  
</i></p><p>
  <i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i></i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It was the top of his screen showing that it had just turned three-thirty in the morning that kicked Changbin into gear, realising he still had an at least twenty minute walk ahead of him before he would be home, his mind dancing along hypotheticals with every step.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>***</i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Introduction to new characters!! </p>
<p>Personally I love Chan's character, but my writing just doesn't do it justice, lol<br/>We shall be seeing more of him in the future though so that's a great time!</p>
<p>Again, thank you so much for taking the time out of your days/nights to read this, it really means so much to me and I would love to hear any and all feedback!</p>
<p>Until next time!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Sparkling Snow to Rival Sparkling Eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Changbin and Chan get up close and personal and the boys enjoy a freak English snow day</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well I guess this almost counts as a Wednesday update, right?<br/>Work has been stupid busy lately so naturally that didn't leave me with too much time to get this bad boy done but anyway!<br/>Please enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Winters in England had always tended to be a little milder than the ones Changbin experienced when he was younger. They were wetter, months of overcast gray skies and the kind of damp chill that seeped through every layer of clothing until it reached your bones, but very rarely actually led to snow. At most it would maybe form a kind of semi-frozen slush that collected along the sides of the roads and sprayed over you whenever a bus or car drove too close to the curb.<br/>
There was one winter, however, that had been considerably colder and drier than the others, the air slicing through you with every step until anything exposed felt rubbed raw and tender. His father had told him that he preferred the drier weather, that the cold moisture in the air made his bones creak and ache, reminding him of his age but Changbin didn’t really care either way. He did appreciate the fact that he was able to still cycle to school without having to worry about skidding out.<br/>
The first day of snow was a magical experience though. There had been sprinklings here and there in the past, just enough to awaken the excitement for the holidays, but nothing like that year.</p>
<p>Changbin had been in class staring out the window, tuning out the monotonous droning of his teacher and willing the time to go by while Felix seemed adamant to actually pay attention in class for once.</p>
<p>Spending time with Felix had become harder, somehow, in the past weeks. It seemed that any time he didn’t spend at school was spent either sitting through hours of supervised study sessions at home or shadowing his dad at work.<br/>
His father had suddenly decided that Felix was beginning to near the age at which it was detrimental for him to pick up the family trade, especially since he had just turned seventeen.<br/>
It was visibly taking a toll on Felix. There were bags under his eyes, a deep bruising that faded into the little freckles on his cheeks and while his personality was as effervescent as ever, there was a lingering tiredness to every one of his movements, sighs that seemed to inhabit the space that used to be filled with giggles.<br/>
Felix would insist his parents just wanted what was best for him, that they just wanted him to lead a successful life but Changbin couldn’t help but wonder if maybe there was a different reason as to why they had tightened the leash on him so drastically.</p>
<p>Changbin had always felt like he wasn’t exactly welcomed in the Lee household. Something about the cool indifference he was met with whenever he happened to meet them left him feeling like an intruder on their life.<br/>
When he was younger he had written it down to caution, maybe even to shyness but as he grew older he saw what it was that was really written in the lines of their scowls when he greeted them.<br/>
It was hatred. A deep-rooted animosity towards him that he couldn’t understand.</p>
<p>Blinking the focus back into his eyes, Changbin looked down at his watch to see that they had twenty minutes left before the end of class. He stretched his arms above his head, redirecting his focus towards the window only to freeze mid-motion.</p>
<p>Where there had once been a consistent sheet of slate gray expanding across the sky, interrupted by dark scraggly branches of the surrounding trees there were now little white specks softly fluttering past the window, drifting down in the breeze.</p>
<p>Changbin nudged Felix’s side with his pointer finger, softly so as not to jolt his hand that was still diligently copying down everything that was written down on the whiteboard in front of them. “Oi, Felix.” He received a hum in response, barely pausing in his note taking.<br/>
He nudged his friend harder, digging his finger into the soft skin between Felix’s ribs where he knew it would hurt.</p>
<p>“Ow, Changbin, what the fuck!?” Felix finally stopped his furious scribbles to look up at him with a smile only to be tapped under the chin by Changbin’s mechanical pencil before he directed it towards the window behind them.<br/>
“It’s snowing.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>By the time everyone was dismissed from class there was a thin layer of slow blanketing every surface, barely thick enough to pick up with your fingers.</p>
<p>“God, I haven’t seen snow in forever!” Changbin twirled around, staring up at the sky before the snowflakes piling up on his lashes became too much. He blinked the water out of his eyes as he turned to look over at Felix who hadn’t made a sound since they had left the classroom.</p>
<p>Felix was standing there, mittened hands cupped in front of him to collect the stray flakes, eyes wide. He looked so small, the lower half of his face hidden behind his wine red scarf as the little sprinkles of white began to collect in his hair. Changbin made his way over, trying to hide the grin that was making his cheeks ache almost as much as the biting air around them.<br/>
Hearing him approach, Felix looked up at Changbin, his eyes sparkling for the first time in days and his nose already rosy. Something about the smile on his face, bunching up his cheeks and making his nose crinkle, made something hurt deep inside Changbin. A kind of low throbbing pain, almost tickling at the base of his sternum.</p>
<p>“Changbin! Look how pretty the snowflakes are!” Felix held out his mittened hands towards him, so delicate and cautious to make sure that nothing happened to the perfect little stars that littered the fabric. The throbbing continued.<br/>
“Isn’t it amazing? I can’t believe nature can make something this beautiful.”</p>
<p>He brought his hands back in front of his face, staring down with so much reverence. “I’ve never seen it up close before.”</p>
<p>Changbin shook his head, trying to jerk his body back into motion and preferably restart all the bodily functions that had temporarily shut down the second he had seen Felix’s smile. “No way, really? You’ve never experienced snow before?”</p>
<p>Felix shook his head, looking up towards the sky and squinting against the sun and little ice crystals, laughing when a particularly large cluster landed on his nose “Nah, it didn’t snow where I lived in Australia. I’ve seen pictures of it, especially those of my cousin’s skiing, but,” He turns back to Changbin, little snowflakes decorating his eyelashes, “this is much more magical.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the months following that first initial meeting, Changbin found himself spending an almost astonishing amount of time in Chan and Jisung’s presence. It started out unintentionally, Jisung asking Changbin over only for Chan to already be sitting on his couch and eating a banana when he arrived or Jisung mentioning he just so <em>happened</em> to be in the area with Chan and felt like dropping by. At first Changbin was annoyed by it, overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of attention but as the days went by he began to see the positives of having people so <em>determined</em> to spend time with you. Hours that used to be spent staring at the ceiling of his bedroom were now spent in Chan’s studio, midnight walks around his neighborhood to ease his restless mind replaced with convenience store runs with the three of them giggling over pots of steaming noodles and cans of beer. They were simple hangouts, nothing strenuous, always within Changbin’s realm of possibility but he could see the difference in his mood because of them. Suddenly the presence of one extra person didn’t make him feel like microscopic fingers were digging under his skin or that his stomach would drop to the floor any time there was a loud noise. He was becoming tolerant of the outside world and he would be lying if he said he didn’t like the feeling.</p>
<p>He was on his way to Chan’s studio, set to meet up with Jisung there once he had gotten off his shift at work. Chan had messaged in the instagram chat about a new setting he had figured out how to use on his software and wanted to show it to them, Jisung naturally jumping at the opportunity the moment he read the message on his break.<br/>
Changbin was just turning off of the main street to begin his trek up towards his studio when he suddenly felt his pocket vibrating aggressively in his pocket.<br/>
He paused, digging into his skinny jeans and pulling out his phone to see Jisung’s awfully unflattering contact pic of him deepthroating a sandwich in its entirety covering his screen with a phone call.</p>
<p>“Hey dude, what’s up, you on your way?” He continued his way up the street, nodding at an old lady waving at him from the doorstep he had paused by.<br/>
There were a series of questionable noises coming from the phone that sounded a lot like metal trays clanging together and dishes being thrown into a sink.</p>
<p>
  <em>”Ok please don’t hate me but... I’m still at work.”</em>
</p>
<p>Stumbling over the crack in the sidewalk was the least of his problems as he righted himself up and pressed the phone into his ear.<br/>
“Wait what? Whaddya mean you’re still at work!? I’m already almost at Chan’s, dude!”</p>
<p>More noises over the receiver. <em> “I know, I know, the thing is my manager just came up to me and told me the person who was supposed to take over after my shift called in with food poisoning and he has to find a replacement. It’ll be like half an hour tops, I promise!”</em></p>
<p>Changbin could feel his pulse thrumming under his skin, the panic beginning to settle in. So much for feeling normal.</p>
<p>“I’ve never hung out with him one on one before Ji, what if we don’t have anything to talk about!?”</p>
<p>
  <em> <em> “Bro, are you kidding me right now? You’ve been hanging out with him like every week for the past two months, you’ll be fine! Don’t overthink this.” </em> </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
   He was just about to respond when he heard someone yelling Jisung’s name from over the phone being followed by ”I’m really sorry ‘Bin but I gotta go, remember: Half an hour, tops!” and the sound of him hanging up the call.
</p>
<p>Staring at his screen, he saw the notification highlighted at the top that Chan had sent a message in the groupchat, more than likely asking where the two of them were.</p>
<p>He was tempted to just call it all off, say he was feeling under the weather, maybe even wait it out nearby until Jisung was there so they could arrive together, but he couldn’t. He <em>shouldn’t</em>.</p>
<p>It was exhausting to be nervous all the time and he was honestly <em>tired</em> of it.</p>
<p>For the second time he set into motion of moving forward, opening the message from Chan as he made his way up the street.</p>
<p>
  <em>Hey ‘Bin! I dunno if he told you already but Jisung said he’s probably gonna be a little late so it’s just gonna be you and me buddy! Are you nearby?</em>
</p>
<p>Changbin smiled to himself at just how signaturely <em>Chan</em> that message was. It made him feel a little better about the situation, texting him that he was making his way up the street and should be there within the next five minutes.</p>
<p>
  <em>Awesome!! Just come right on up, you know where it is!</em>
</p>
<p>Awkwardness. Despite the feeling of comfort Changbin had just had there was a palpable veil of tentative silence that covered every part of the room as soon as they got the friendly hello’s out of the way and settled into the chairs set next to Chan’s work table. Neither seemed really sure what to do and how to make the first step without Jisung’s aggressive friendliness as a segue.</p>
<p>In Chan’s defence, he had really tried to get a conversation going.</p>
<p>“So tell me Changbin, how’ve you been? It’s been about a week since we last hung out, ey?”</p>
<p>
  “Haha, yeah.”
</p>
<p>
  Changbin wants to die.
</p>
<p>
 He tries wracking his brain for something, <em>anything</em> to say to break this awkwardness. God at this point he would even be willing to talk about the weather, anything other than the awkward chuckling Chan was doing as he pretended to rearrange things on his desk.
</p>
<p>
  Thankfully Chan suddenly raised his head, looking at Changbin with a soft smile and putting down the random piece of something he had been fumbling with as a distraction.
</p>
<p>
 “Hey, do you wanna maybe go to the park? The weather is really nice outside and I've pretty much been spending the past 3 days straight in here, so I could use some fresh air. We can always come back once Jisung says he’s on his way.”
</p>
<p>
 Changbin had originally thought that Chan’s default setting for talking was always at a hundred, filled with so much endless enthusiasm and excitement and almost aggressive positivity that it felt that every word that came out of his mouth was describing the most interesting thing in the world. But over the past few months he began to realise that he had another voice. It was soft and slow without being patronizing, like the way you would distract a scared child during a thunderstorm or would coax a cat out of a tree. He used that tone whenever he spoke directly to Changbin, as if scared he might shatter if the frequencies were just slightly off. Changbin both greatly appreciated and felt slightly embarrassed by it.
</p>
<p>
 He smiled over at Chan, trying to portray his gratefulness with his eyes as he replied “That sounds really nice, actually.”
</p>
<p>
 The park they had decided on was Hakdong park, a little natural reprieve set in one of the more quiet areas of Gangnam and only a relatively short walk from the studio. Being on neutral ground was already enough to make the muscles in Changbin’s shoulders loosen up, the fresh air around them filling his lungs with the smell of wet earth and summer flowers.<br/>
He looked up at the rays of sunshine that filtered down through the fluttering green leaves above them, their feet carrying them down one of the smaller side paths, shaded by the tall skinny trees that surrounded them on every side and away from the more open areas that were already filled with people taking advantage of the lovely weather.
</p>
<p>
 This part of the park was slightly more forested than the rest, left more to nature and less to the constant grooming of the groundskeepers. Plants allowed themselves to snake around each other, growing in a kind of harmony.<br/>
Changbin had never really considered himself a big nature buff to be honest. He loved a good park as much as the next person but would usually steer away from anything that looked a little too close to being left to nature's devices, much like anyone with a healthy disgust towards creepy crawlies. However, even he couldn’t deny that something about this park in it’s raw, untended form was beautiful.
</p>
<p>
 “It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Chan sighed, his face tilted upwards to breathe in the air. “That a place like this can exist right in the middle of the city? You would never guess that there’s a 7-Eleven literally five minutes from here,” his statement punctuated by a particularly loud car horn blaring from somewhere beyond the trees and making Changbin laugh.
</p>
<p>
 “I found this place pretty much the first week I had arrived here. Our apartment isn’t far away from the studios and I like to walk on nights when I can’t sleep and this has sort of become my little refuge when everything gets... a little too loud.”
</p>
<p>
 Chan didn’t have to spell out exactly what he meant for Changbin to understand.<br/>
Most people thought that the hardest part about spending all of your time alone was boredom, a silence induced loneliness that left spaces feeling a little more empty than usual, but that wasn’t always the case. The hardest part were the moments when you needed someone around to distract you, to shoo away the acid smog that took over your brain.<br/>
Being alone forced you to spend time with your own thoughts, hours of remembering everything you’ve done wrong, everything you could have done right; dissecting every future plan and scenario a thousand times until you’ve discovered a thousand possible tragedies. It’s over thinking until you can't hear anything outside of the thoughts in your head, a yelling that you can’t block out by plugging your ears because you can’t shut out what already came from within.<br/>
Changbin was no stranger to it.
</p>
<p>
Chan suddenly clapped his hands together, as if shooing away the negative aura that had settled over them. “You know, I never got around to asking how you and Jisung even met.”
</p>
<p>
 Changbin smiled to himself. “Oh well, you know… We were neighbors back when we were in elementary school so we would hang out in a lot of the same circles and spots and I guess we just kinda stuck together.”
</p>
<p>
 “Jesus and you’ve been able to stay friends for all this time? That’s pretty admirable!”
</p>
<p>
 “Yeah, I guess it is,” Changbin laughed, “but we weren’t together the whole time. I spent most of my life overseas so technically we’ve only properly been together for the past three odd years.”
</p>
<p>
 Indicating that they should stop for a bit, Chan made his way over to one of the benches that were scattered along the path, patting the seat as he lowered himself down. The air around them seemed to be getting warmer, the shade from the trees just barely keeping them from overheating as the afternoon sun beat down on the city.
</p>
<p>
 “Where did you live when you were overseas?” Chan said, turning his body to fully face Changbin.
</p>
<p>
 “England, actually. My mom’s an english teacher so she thought it would be beneficial for her and for me if we went there to do the whole ‘total immersion’ thing.”
</p>
<p>
 “Oh no way!” Chan exclaimed. “My roommate actually studied in England for a couple years before he came back to Australia. He would not stop talking about how much he loved it there.”
</p>
<p>
 “Hah, yeah, it really is a beautiful country.”
</p>
<p>
 Changbin wasn’t quite sure just how much he wanted to give away about his past to Chan. He wasn't sure just how much he wanted to give away his past in <em>general</em>, having survived perfectly fine with all the pain he felt tucked away in a little metal box at the back of his mind.
</p>
<p>
 “That didn’t sound particularly confident.” Chan replied arching his eyebrow at him.
</p>
<p>
 “No, no, it really was, I mean it was my home, you know? It still is, in some way, it’s just. Shit happens sometimes and it can leave a bit of a… bitter aftertaste.
</p>
<p>
Chan nodded in understanding, leaning forward so he could rest his hands on his legs. “I know what you mean.”
</p>
<p>
The silence surrounding them this time was a thoughtful one as opposed to the one from the studio, Changbin still worrying if he had said too much while Chan seemed to be contemplating what to say next; chewing on the words in his mouth until they got the right shape. 
</p>
<p>
 “I’m obviously not going to tell you what to do but sometimes talking about it can help fade out the lines a little. If you keep memories trapped in they can often become something bigger and scarier than what they were in the first place. Just one of the things that makes the human mind such a bitch.”
</p>
<p>
 The laugh that suddenly left Changbin’s mouth was surprising but not unwelcome, especially with the way it seemed to help Chan relax a little bit, obviously concerned if he himself had crossed some kind of invisible boundary.
</p>
<p>
 “I get why you wouldn’t want to though. I mean, it took me until only recently to figure it out myself, to be honest.” Chan continued, still staring down at his fingers that were now interlocked in front of him, his thumb fiddling with one of his rings. “There was a really long time, shortly after middle school where I sort of… disappeared into myself. There was a lot going on at the time, a lot of decisions I had to make, none of which I was sure of, and a lot of thoughts I was having that I couldn't quite understand, so it all kind of accumulated into a bit of mental breakdown. I cut myself off from most of the outside world because it was all just too overwhelming. It was difficult for me, considering I actually did like being around people. I was just so… <em>scared</em> of everything.”
</p>
<p>
“It’s stupid, when I talk about it now, when I think about how small of an issue it really was, in the grand scheme of things but at the time it had been devastating and with every day that passed and I held on to that memory, it grew and evolved until at some point it had taken over my entire life.” He turned to face Changbin, a smile on his face. “I guess what I'm trying to say is, although we haven’t been friends for too long, if you ever do feel like opening up about it or if you feel like it’s consuming you more than it should, I’ve been there and I’m here to listen.”
</p>
<p>
 It was Changbin’s turn to nod, trying to swallow down the lump that was now sitting hot and heavy and in his throat. It was a strange feeling, having someone you barely know suddenly bare their darkest parts to you only to realise that they matched your own. It was a weird sense of camaraderie, two damaged souls that had come together under unlikely circumstances.
</p>
<p>
 “Thanks… I will.”
</p>
<p>
  ***
</p>
<p>
 Much to everyone’s astonishment, the snow somehow managed to last up until the weekend, a thick sparkling blanket draped over every surface, giving little hats to poles and fence tops and coating pathways until the usual gavel gray was smooth and white. It was absolutely ethereal, almost making up for the fact that Changbin and Felix had to temporarily hold off on their joint bike rides to school.
</p>
<p>
 They had been restless all week, just wanting to go out and play in the snow, gazing longingly out the windows of their classrooms at the black and white scenery ahead and finally on Saturday morning Changbin was woken up by the sounds of dull thudding against his window, standing up to see patches of snow decorating the glass along with the little frosted ice flowers that had crept their way from the pane while he slept.<br/>
He opened up the window, instantly regretting it when a gust of wind sent a shiver through his body, his thin sleep shirt doing nothing to protect him from the cold.
</p>
<p>
 “Rise and shine, big boy, it’s snow day!” Down in the street, arms waving, stood Felix clad in a bright purple 80’s style padded windbreaker that stood out against the white and gray backdrop like a smear of ink on paper, the pink pompom on the top of his black and gray winter hat a beacon almost as bright as the smile spread across his face.
If it weren’t for the angry yell coming from somewhere down the street and the way the icy wind bit at the tips of his ears and collarbones Changbin would have thought this was just another one of his dreams. He decided it was easier to blame the cold for the heaving lump sitting at the base of his throat again than to try and understand any other meanings behind it.
</p>
<p>
 “Get inside, you idiot, before you get a cold!” Changbin yelled, watching with a smile almost as wide as Felix’s as his friend waddled over to his front door before quickly closing the window when another gust of wind blew past and set off to find some snow appropriate clothing.
</p>
<p>
 By the time they had finally arrived, the park was already packed with people enjoying the freak weather.<br/>
There were teenagers sliding down the hills on homemade sleds made out of plastic bags and sheets of wood and children making snowmen and snow angels on any patch of snow they could find.<br/>
It was definitely more crowded than they had expected it to be but something about the sheer <em>happiness</em> exuding from everyone made it practically impossible to be mad at it.
</p>
<p>
They made their way over to the edge of the wooded area near the back of the park where a small group of their friends from the neighborhood had collected and were currently flinging handfuls of snow at each other. 
</p>
<p>
 “Fucking took you guys long enough!” Hyunjin yelled, jogging over to them as soon as he saw them, his footing wonky and awkward in the ankle deep snow, and throwing a chunk of ice at Changbin as soon as he was within throwing distance. “My fingers are about to fall off!”
</p>
<p>
 “That’s what you get for not wearing gloves, you doofus!” Changbin called, also bending down to collect snow just as Hyunjin ran away screaming something about gloves being for the weak.
</p>
<p>
 Once Changbin and Felix finally made their way over to the rest of the boys, each calling out their friendly hello’s, they huddled up together to make a game plan for <em>the</em> snowball battle of the century, deciding on teams before splitting up into their respective regions to start making ammo. Naturally Felix and Changbin were teamed together, Felix somehow turning out to be a master snowball maker in charge of forming them while Changbin pelted them at anyone within view. It went on for what felt like hours, a full on war, until Hyunjin came out from where he was hiding behind a tree claiming surrender with his by now thoroughly purple hands in the air as he had to head home for lunch. This seemed to trigger off a string of similar excuses from the others, most of them not realising the time or how hungry they were until Hyunjin had mentioned it, leaving Felix and Changbin alone in the park together.<br/>
Not that either of them really seemed to mind, splitting off into their own separate teams as they continued their little battle one on one. 
</p>
<p>
 They chased each other across the hills, stumbling over the divots in the snow and shrieking as they shoved snow down each other’s clothing. Their shrieks echoed around them in the still air as the amount of people in the park began to dwindle, the lighting around them reaching the dull blue tones of late evening even though it had barely hit 4:00pm. One particularly aggressive tackle of Changbin’s found the two of them on the ground, Felix lying on his back with his hands held in front of him as Changbin pelted him with as much snow as he could grab.
</p>
<p>
 “Ok, ok, I give! I surrender!” Felix laughed breathlessly, his arms falling to his sides once he felt Changbin pause in his relentless attack.<br/>
But suddenly Changbin was frozen, kneeling on top of him, his knees bracketing Felix’s waist with his arm still raised above his head as if preparing for a blow, staring.
</p>
<p>
 At Felix. At his smile. At the way his cheeks and the tip of his nose were tinted the softest shade of pink. At his freckles that still decorated his cheeks like little wild flowers, usually contrasting so starkly to his pale skin but now softly melting into the rosiness from the cold.<br/>
His hat had fallen off, lying just off to the side so his dark hair could fan out across the snow as he laid there, eyes closed and trying to get his breath back. 
</p>
<p>
The lack of movement above him led Felix to open his eyes, squinting against the light that was just barely peeking through the thick clouds that covered the sky, looking up at Changbin. But Changbin was still frozen. He couldn’t move, the throbbing pain back again, taking over his whole chest until he almost found it hard to breathe.
</p>
<p>
 “Bin?” The pretty little smile that had decorated Felix’s face just a couple seconds ago was tense as he stared up into Changbin’s eyes.
</p>
<p>
 He blinked, shaking his head and reaching up to rub at his face only to be greeted by a glove full of snow and promptly tipping over to the side with a groan. He stayed there next to Felix, staring up at the white-gray sky and trying to ignore, but still being acutely aware of, the thumping in his chest.
</p>
<p>
 “Bin? Are you ok? What’s wrong?” Felix was leaning on one of his arms, staring down at Changbin with his hair in complete disarray. Changbin laughed, only adding to Felix’s apparent confusion, in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere and cover up the thought that had been overtaking his brain without his permission. He had never lied to Felix before but he figured that this one time he would have to make an exception.
</p>
<p>
 “The look… on your face..!” Changbin barked out, laughing, his eyes scrunched shut as he let the throbbing in his chest crawl out of his body, letting the forced laughter loosen up the knots that had formed.
</p>
<p>
 “Are you- You fucking asshole! I thought something happened!” Changbin continued to laugh, shielding his face as Felix started smacking him until the laughs began to lose their forced edge and melt into something a little more natural. He watched as Felix reached over for his hat, pulling it on to his head with a huff before flopping himself back down beside him.
</p>
<p>
 “I’m sorry, ok? I just wanted to fuck with you a little. Come on, let’s go home, I’m fucking freezing..”
</p>
<p>
 Felix stayed quiet, his arms crossed over his chest and his mouth pulled into a pout.
</p>
<p>
 “Oh come on, ‘Lix! I’m sorry! I’ll make you some hot cocoa when we get back!” Changbin sang the last word, standing up and reaching his hand down to Felix who was still lying down with his arms crossed, although his expression had begun to look significantly less petulant.
</p>
<p>
 “...With marshmallows?”
</p>
<p>
 Changbin smiled as Felix took his hand. “With marshmallows.”
</p>
<p>
 ***
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
 Once they had had enough of being bitten by various insects and the area around them became increasingly darker, Changbin and Chan decided to make their way back to the studio, figuring their trip to the park had been a good enough icebreaker to allow them to sit together while they waited for Jisung.<br/>
They exited the park, almost empty by now, just as the streetlights turned on, illuminating the little winding street surrounding the park in pools of orange. There was a little convenience store about two blocks away from the entry that Chan pointed at, indicating they go inside.
</p>
<p>
 “My roommate is dropping by the studio real quick to drop something off so I wanted to get him a little treat as a thank you.”
</p>
<p>
He walks through the door, bowing to the girl sitting behind the counter and making his way past the rows and rows of multicolored snack packets and randomly placed skincare products towards the back where he knew the freezers were located.
</p>
<p>
“He’s, like, obsessed with these ice pops they sell here.” He reaches for the freezer door handle and yanks it open, the seal making a suction noise before a cloud of cold air pours over their faces. Changbin didn’t realise just how hot he was until this moment, enjoying the cool air as Chan inspected the contents.
</p>
<p>
 “Ah! There it is.” He reaches in and pulls out a tube of something orangey, smiling down at it in triumph before turning back to Changbin. “Do you want some too?”
</p>
<p>
 Changbin nods, feeling vaguely awkward again. Chan grabbed a couple extra ice pops and they made their way back towards the front where the girl behind the counter was unenthusiastically tapping through her phone, but not before swiping a couple more packets of snacks from the shelf. “For Jisung. He’s probably gonna be hungry.”
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
 Leaving the inside of the air conditioned convenience store felt like walking into a wall of warm water, the humid air clinging to their skin as Chan reached into the plastic bag and pulled out the ice pops for the two of them. It was nice and calming, the two of them walking side by side in the street, no one but the occasional food delivery motorcyclist passing them every once in a while. The area was quiet at this hour, late enough for the day stragglers to have headed home but too early for the night crowd to begin their hustle and bustle, leaving them in an hour or two of purgatory silence. They were both focused on their food, trying to race the drops that threatened to drip down their fingers as the heat of the air around them melted the ice pops in their hands, until Chan suddenly turned to Changbin.
</p>
<p>
 “This is the first time you’re meeting my roommate, huh?”
</p>
<p>
  Changbin paused in his licking and hum in response.
</p>
<p>
 “I think you’ll like him. He’s a really funny dude. Crazy smart too!”
</p>
<p>
 “How did you guys meet?” Changbin ased, echoing the question Chan had asked him in the park.
</p>
<p>
 “You know what, actually it’s a kind of similar story to yours I guess, just a bit later.” He swallowed down the last of the syrupy water and reached his hand out for Changbin’s already empty packaging, quickly jogging over to a trash can across the street before making his way back and continuing.
</p>
<p>
 “We lived in the same neighborhood and happened to coincidentally frequent the same park every night at about the same time. I used to go jogging a lot back then, something to get me out of the house and I would always see him sitting at that same bench every night so one night I decided to go talk to him.”
</p>
<p>
 “We kinda started hanging out every night after that and just got closer I suppose. I think about… two years? Yeah, two years after we met, I told him that I wanted to go to South Korea and he told me he wanted to come with me so voila!” He spread his arms wide, the bag with the leftover snacks swinging from his wrist as he smiled down at Changbin, “Got me a roommate and a best friend for life. Pretty sweet deal, ey?”
</p>
<p>
They turned a corner onto the street Chan’s studio was located, the building already coming into view. From the distance Changbin could see someone sitting on the steps leading up to the front door of the studio, staring down at his phone.
</p>
<p>
 “Oh shit, I think that’s him!” Chan picked up his pace jogging towards the figure sitting on the steps. 
</p>
<p>
 He was wearing an oversized short-sleeved button-down that was partially tucked into his skinny jeans and his bleach-blonde hair was covering most of his face as it swooped down across his cheekbones, hiding him from Changbin’s view as he also began to jog to catch up with Chan.
</p>
<p>
They were maybe ten feet away from the building when the stranger looked up and Changbin felt time stop. Suddenly it was as if there was no air to fill his lungs, the sounds around him muffled as if he had jumped into a pool of ice cold water. His tunnel vision zoned in on the person in front of him, who had in the meantime stood up and was smiling at Chan with a smile, <em>that</em> smile, the smile that haunted Changbin’s dreams for weeks, months, years. The smile that had been directed at him so many times it felt like it was his alone. Changbin could see Chan indicating towards him but could not hear the words coming out of his mouth over the static that had taken over his eardrums as the man turned to look right back at him, eyes so familiar and yet so, so different from how they had been all that time ago. There was no mistaking it.
</p>
<p>
 It was Felix.
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
 ***
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Go on, feel free to yell at me about that Cliffhanger.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Tempest of the Mind Causes Carnage of the Body</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Maybe if Changbin had just been allowed to say goodbye it wouldn't have hurt as much.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Get ready for that dash of angst tag to shine!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was nearing the end of the winter holidays, only a handful of days left before the joys of their time off was to be replaced with the mundanities of everyday life and Changbin was spending one of them sitting in his room, brooding, after Felix had suddenly cancelled on coming over.<br/>
The snow that had blanketed the city had long since melted, dissolving under the force of days of ice cold rain that pelted the earth with an unrivaled fury until it became a depressing gray sludge. It was fitting considering the mood Changbin found himself in.</p>
<p>Something was wrong with Felix and Changbin didn’t have to be an expert at reading people to see it.<br/>
He had been… quiet lately. Quiet in a way he hadn’t been for a while, not since the first time he had appeared in Changbin’s life.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until a couple days after their snow day, after they had gone back to Changbin’s house and curled themselves in thick woolen blankets with steaming cups of hot cocoa in their hands until they felt some of the warmth seep back into their body, that Felix had started showing signs.<br/>
It had started small at first, Felix dropping by more frequently, at odder hours.<br/>
Changbin had enjoyed it, loved the spontaneity and the little soap bubbles of happiness that would gurgle in his stomach whenever he showed up on his doorstep. That was until it started to take on an edge of urgency, until it began to feel like it was less about being at Changbin’s house as it was about just not being at his own. The hours he dropped by started getting earlier, the thumps on his window occuring well before the sun had even attempted to rise, a cold dark frost penetrating into his bedroom whenever he opened his window to look down and see Felix shivering in the orange light of the street lamps. It wasn’t that he minded being woken up, the two of them usually wrapping up in Changbin’s duvet to sleep a couple more hours before heading downstairs for breakfast at a more reasonable time, he just felt like there had to be an explanation for it, one that Felix seemed unusually adamant about keeping secret.<br/>
His mood seemed to have significantly dimmed as well, his smiles only reaching half way and his laughs falling flat, forced. It was just another piece of a large puzzle made entirely of monochromatic colors.<br/>
It had been Changbin’s intention to see if he could ask Felix about it when they hung out that afternoon, an attempt to clear away some of the clouds in Felix’s mind.<br/>
He had never imagined that Felix would end up cancelling on him. It had never happened before.</p>
<p>Without anyone to keep him company, the night seemed to drag on for an eternity as Changbin slouched on the sofa in the living room and flicked through the channels of his, at this point embarrassingly old TV, to see if he could find something that wasn't either a christmas special or some variation of the news. The house around him was silent in a way it almost never is, suddenly devoid of the sounds of his parents, who were currently attending his mother’s workmate’s birthday party. He really wished Felix hadn’t cancelled.</p>
<p>The cat clock hanging on the opposite wall said it was quarter-to eleven, technically earlier than the usual time Changbin went to sleep but boredom let him figure it was late enough for him to do so without feeling ridiculous. He turned off the TV, switching off all the lights in the house and making his way up the stairs when he heard a faint knocking at the front door.<br/>
A shiver ran down his spine, filling his gut with an ominous feeling as he turned towards the door.<br/>
For about the past hour the clouds that had covered the sky with the threat of a downpour had made good on their promise, pelting rain and small pieces of hail down on the city with an aggression that filled the entire house with an angry hiss that was only heightened now that the TV was shut off and there was no other sound except for Changbin’s shallow breathing. No one in their right mind would come knocking in this weather unless it was something serious, something detrimental.<br/>
He slowly made his way towards the front entrance, making sure to keep his steps quiet, something that was practically impossible with the squeaking of the floorboards, so he could peer through the peephole. It took a moment for him to decipher who it was that was standing there, shock running through his body as he yanked the door open to find Felix standing there, shivering, in nothing but a hoodie and some joggers, every inch of him soaked.</p>
<p>“What the fuck are you doing here!? Are you mental?” Changbin pulled Felix inside, practically shrieking as he led him towards one of the heaters in the living room. Felix clung to the heater, occasionally flinching when the metal felt too hot beneath his pale fingers. His lips were a terrifying shade of purple and his freckles stood out against the extreme pale of his cheeks. There was no way for him to get any words out with the way he was shivering, his teeth chattering against each other almost comically if it weren’t for the fact that he seemed to be seconds away from catching hypothermia.</p>
<p>“Come on, you need to get out of those clothes.” Changbin said, wrapping his arm around Felix’s shoulders and slowly tearing him away from the heater that had turned his hands an aggressive shade of red. “Watching you die of hypothermia was not on my top ten list of things to do tonight.”</p>
<p>He appreciated the little huff of laughter Felix let out between his clenched teeth as he guided him up the stairs, Felix clinging on to him as if it was the only thing keeping him standing which, at this point, just might have been the case.<br/>
Changbin’s bathroom was a narrow room directly to the right at the top of the stairs with a toilet under a small window directly opposite of the doorway and a bathtub running parallel to it. The sound of what was now an impressive amount of hail clicking against the window was the only noise in the room, overpowering Felix’s chattering teeth as Changbin sat him down on the closed lid of the toilet.<br/>
He began running hot water into the tub, figuring that maybe a bath would be a better option to warm him up considering Felix was barely managing to sit up, pouring in one of the tens of different scented bubble baths his mom had stashed away under the sink until the whole room filled with lavender scented steam.<br/>
A tiny bit of color had started to come back to Felix's face, even if his body was still shaking, which gave Changbin hope as he crouched in front of him waiting for the level of the bath water to rise. The adrenaline coursing through his veins was beginning to diminish to a deep feeling of fatigue taking over his tensed muscles in the hot steamy air.</p>
<p>“Felix, mate, do you think you could sit up on your own for a bit?” Changbin asked, one of his hands on Felix’s knee as he softly rubbed his thumb along the edge of his knee cap protruding from the wet fabric clinging to his skin. “I’m gonna go get some clothes for you and then I’ll be right back, ok? ”</p>
<p>Changbin waited until Felix nodded at him weakly, slumping back and leaning his head against the top of the water basin, before jumping up and dashing out of the room, making sure to close the door behind him to not release any of the heat.</p>
<p>Moving as quickly as possible, he slid his way down the hall and rummaged through the drawers of his dresser to hopefully find something that would fit him, ultimately settling on one of his fleece hoodies and a pair of felt-lined sweatpants that were slightly too long for him. </p>
<p>By some miracle Felix had already gotten into the tub by the time Changbin came back into the room, his body submerged in the warm water until all you could see of him was his head from the nose up peeking out from the mountains of foam. His eyes were closed and Changbin started to panic until they slowly opened to glance over at him, a small smile visible under the water. Changbin placed the bundle of clothes he had been clutching in his arms down on the lowered toilet lid, averting his eyes from the tub as he turned to leave the room and give Felix some privacy when he heard him faintly call his name. </p>
<p>“Hey Changbin? Do you think you could… could you maybe stay? With me? I don’t really want to be alone right now.”</p>
<p>He turned to look back at his friend, who was currently trying to shimmy his way up into an upright position, sloshing around the water a bit. The entire surface of the water was covered with bubbles, hiding everything underneath but Changbin still found himself feeling nervous. Sure, they had seen each other naked before, back when they were younger. But everything felt a little different now. Now it wasn’t just another person’s body. It was <i>Felix’s</i> body, and Changbin really didn’t like the implications that came with that particular string of thought.</p>
<p>“I got into a fight with my parents,” Felix began once Changbin had silently sat down on the floor slightly diagonal from him. His head was leaning against the wall with his eyes shut again, his breathing deep and heavy from exhaustion. “I know we have our disagreements, like, pretty much every other day but this was something completely different.<br/>
I usually try to just shrug it off, you know how I am. But they were just being so <i>unfair</i>.”</p>
<p>Felix’s smooth forehead was suddenly wrinkled in a frown, his eyes opening to look up at the ceiling.<br/>
“You know our snow day? Well after I went home that night my parents were seriously pissed off. Said I was wasting my time with frivolous bullshit, their words, and that they didn’t… they didn’t want me hanging out with you anymore if it meant I was going to throw away my future on it.” There was a sloshing sound as Felix tried pushing himself up again, still weak from having nearly frozen to death but apparently gaining some strength from the anger that was now bubbling out of him to mix with the lavender scented air.</p>
<p>“For fuck’s sake, you would think I fucking dropped out of school with the way they were going <i>on</i> and <i>on</i> about how bad of an influence you are,” Water trickled from his fingertips as he brought them out of the water, “because <i> God forbid</i> I have a single day to act like a fucking kid.”</p>
<p>He was silent for a couple moments, his body slinking back under the water until his mouth was submerged, the fight having left his body so drastically Changbin thought he may have passed out.</p>
<p>“They said they didn’t want me hanging out with you anymore.” Felix said quietly, directing big glassy eyes towards Changbin. “They said I couldn’t afford any more distractions and that if they ever caught me spending time with you again they would send me back to Australia.”</p>
<p>Changbin breathed in a sharp breath, audible in the quiet room even as the rain continued beating against the little window high above the bathtub.<br/>
For some reason Changbin had never even considered the possibility of Felix going back. He had just assumed that they would be together forever.<br/>
He let himself stare down at the tiled floor, his eyes becoming unfocused until the checkered pattern blurred before him.</p>
<p>“Naturally that same night I had come here.” Felix said, followed by a wet chuckle.</p>
<p>“But why?” Changbin asked as he looked back up at Felix. “Why did you come here if you knew it was just going to get them mad and make them send you away.”</p>
<p>The smile Felix directs at him in response was filled with so much pain, so many unspoken words and untouched feelings simmering right below the surface; their murky shapes clear enough to see that they’re there but just out of reach enough to be ambiguous, to raise even more questions swimming around in Changbin’s head.<br/>
“Do you really believe I would be able to stay away from you even if I tried?”</p>
<p>“Besides,” He begins again, flicking his eyes to a mound of bubbles right in front of his chest, “I’m tired of them controlling me like some kind of dog. I’m a human being for christs sake, I should be allowed to at least have a single fucking friend.”</p>
<p>There are very, very few moments, if any, Changbin had experienced an angry Felix but none of them came even close to the fury he could see dancing in his eyes like an untamed flame. Every expletive that spilled from his mouth was dripping with bitter cyanide, years of repressing his feelings suddenly oozing from him like blood from a fresh wound. It was terrifying but also somehow enlightening.</p>
<p>“After I told my mom that I was supposed to see you today she went absolutely berserk, threatened to lock me in my room and confiscated my phone. I had to find a way to sneak out of the house just so I could see you.”</p>
<p>The chiming of the clock downstairs broke through the silence that took over the bathroom as the last boost of fight seemed to drain from Felix’s body, reminding Changbin of just how late it was, how exhausted Felix must be and how exhausted he himself was with the absolute bombardment of information he just received.</p>
<p>“We should probably get you to bed.” Changbin said as he stood up from the floor, black spots flickering in front of his eyes from the sudden movement. “Do you think you can get out on your own or do you need some help?”</p>
<p>Felix giggled airily as he propped his hands on the sides of the tub. “‘Bin, if I was able to get in here when most of my organs were on the brink of shutting down, I’m pretty sure I can get out now that I feel at least semi-equivalent to a human. Don’t worry, if anything happens I’ll shout for you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After making their way towards Changbin’s bedroom, Felix’s legs still a little shaky and holding on to Changbin’s hand just in case he lost balance, Changbin left him situated on his bed so he could go downstairs and get some things to make tea for the both of them.<br/>
It was nearing twelve o’clock so Changbin quickly grabbed two cups, sugar, a couple bags of tea and the electric kettle that was plugged in the kitchen before bounding up the stairs before his parents had any chance of intercepting him with questions after they come home.</p>
<p>Once back in his bedroom he unloaded all the tea making amenities onto his desk by the window, looking up to where Felix was buried among the pillows piled around him and wrapped up in his duvet. He looked so small and defeated where he sat, his eyes giving away just how tired he was as he stared down at his own fingers which just barely stuck out from the sleeves of Changbin’s sweater.</p>
<p>He made his way over to the side of the bed, timidly sitting down while he waited for the water to boil. They sat together in silence, the quiet gurgling of the kettle being the only background music now that the hail had softened and the rain had quieted down to a stream. Changbin could feel fatigue take over his body, the series of shocks and constant humming of his brain since Felix showed up making his temples pulse and his muscles feel weak. He could only imagine how Felix himself felt.</p>
<p>He cleared his throat warily.  “So… What are you going to do?”</p>
<p>Felix lets out a sigh filled with exasperation and grim acceptance. </p>
<p>“I honestly don’t know. It’s not as if I really have much of a choice at this point, do I?” He sinks back into the pillows. “In a perfect world I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. I could stay here, with you, and just be <i>happy</i> but that just isn’t a reality right now.”</p>
<p>The kettle let out a quiet click, almost echoing in the quiet of Changbins room. He got up and poured hot water into the mugs he had brought, staring down at them as the happy designs mocked him in the tense air around them. </p>
<p>(<i>”You got me a Felix the cat cup!” Felix exclaimed as he tore away the rest of the wrapping paper that was covering the box.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>“Yeah, mom said it was important to get you something, since you’re turning ten and all.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Felix was beaming down at the yellow packaging, tracing his fingers over the black ink of the cartoon cat. “I love it. Can I keep it at your house?.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i> ”Uh, yeah? Don’t you want to take it with you though?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i> “I do, but I don’t want anything to happen to it. And this way I can have a special cup whenever I come over!” </i>)</i>
  
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>He hated the feeling that filled him as he stared down at the smiling face of the cartoon cat printed on the porcelain, hated the piece of him whispering that this could very well be the last time he would pour water into it.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Quietly, he made his way back to the bed, sliding in next to where Felix was nestled under the duvet and reached the steaming mug over to him.<br/>
He felt a pressure on his shoulder and Felix’s still damp hair tickling his neck as he leaned his head against him, his mug resting in the folds of the blanket on his lap and his fingers loosely wrapped around it.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Honestly,” Felix’s words were quiet, laced with weariness as he slid in closer and melted his body against Changbin’s side, both of them trying to not jostle their cups of tea, “I don’t even want to think about all that right now. I have a feeling it’s the only thing I’m going to be thinking about for a while so for tonight could we maybe just… not?”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin nodded as he gently slid his arm out from between his and Felix’s body, bringing it around his shoulders so they could sit there, pressed together in a kind of half-embrace. Changbin wasn’t naive enough to ignore the finality hidden underneath Felix’s words, the confirmation of every fear that had sprouted up throughout the night, but for now he decided it was best to just ignore it. To pretend like nothing was wrong until the tea had finished and the morning made it’s unwanted arrival.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>The first day of school came and went with no word from Felix. Changbin was terrified. Terrified of what Felix must be going through. Terrified of what the future held for him. But most of all he was terrified that that one night, those few hours of silence that he was able to share with him, would really be the last time he would ever be able to see his best friend.<br/>
Everyone around him could tell that something was wrong. He retracted into himself, ignoring invitations from others to hide away in the hidden corners of his school at lunch and silently sit through class with an empty expression.<br/>
He felt so helpless, had even gone as far as to consider going up to Felix’s house and see how he was for himself but he couldn’t. There wouldn’t be any point. </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It wasn’t until he came home to find Hyunjin sitting on steps leading up to his front door that the fear that had sat in his stomach like a lump of clay for the past week truly melted into his being until it left him feeling cold with dread.<br/>
He watched the way Hyunjin’s head jerked up at the sound of his brakes scraping against the wheel of his bike, how he sprang from his seated position and marched up the walkway towards Changbin before he could even properly dismount from his bike.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Dude, what are y-” </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“We don’t have time!” Hyunjin interrupted him, circling around the side of the bike and throwing his leg over it until he was situated on the rack behind him. His legs were far too long and the way he gripped onto Changbin’s school blazer was much too firm, throwing them both off balance but Changbin managed to prevent the two of them from keeling over.<br/>
“I’ll explain on the way but for now we <i>have</i> to go to Felix’s.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>The ride there was excruciating; the cold, damp wind doing it’s best to interfere in as many ways as possible as Changbin pedalled furiously until his lungs burned and his legs had gone numb. At some point the clouds that had been a hideous gray for most of the day had decided to finally burst open, letting out a slurry of fine raindrops that covered everything in a haze. He could barely see ten feet ahead of him but he didn't need to see. Changbin had made this journey over a million times, had every stretch, every turn memorised to the point of being able to navigate it blind. He pushed on, only one thought in his brain and the sound of his breathing as his mantra, as Hyunjin spoke.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Mum said she ran into Mrs. Lee on her way to the shops, said she looked really stressed out and was yelling something about a flight needing to be pushed up to tonight or something. I don’t know for sure but I have a feeling it might be about Felix.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Static. Changbin could barely feel the metal pedal cut into his calf as his foot slipped, too occupied by the sudden emptiness, a deafening silence that took over his brain and hurt his ears but he had no time to waste.<br/>
He pedalled on even harder, completely ignoring the way his thighs were beginning to tense, seconds away from cramping; pushed on, on, on, breath barely lingering in front of his eyes before the wind carried it away. Off in the distance he could see Felix’s house just at the end of the street, the modern shades of gray and slate looking ominous in the dreary surroundings.<br/>
His brakes screeched as he skidded to a halt in front of the front gate, clambouring off of his bike and leaving it for Hyunjin to somehow keep stable with his legs firmly placed on the cement on either side. He tripped over the curb and banged against the door, cold metal against numb hands, the metallic clang echoing along with his yells as he tried to peer through the slats.<br/>
The cold feeling of dread that had been pushed to the back of his mind on the trip there began to take over, freezing his limbs more than his damp clothing.<br/>
There was no car in the driveway, no lights on in the house. It stood against the ever darkening sky, mocking him as nothing more than an empty shell. </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Hot tears began to run down his face, stinging his frostbitten skin and collecting at his chapped lips. He felt a hand grip his shoulder, pulling him in for a hug and hiding him from the truth that taunted him from every corner.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>He was too late. Felix had already left.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>***</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“Felix?”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It was strange, really, standing in front of someone who hadn’t been more than a ghost in your life for the past half of a decade. There was a sense of detachment as he blinked his eyes to make sure that this wasn’t some kind of extremely detailed mirage from the heat of Seoul’s mid-summer. He felt hyper focused on the spot Felix stood, right in front of Chan’s studio. The studio Changbin had spent countless days and nights. The studio Felix had probably also spent countless hours waiting for Chan and listening to his projects. The studio the two of the had unknowingly shared for the better half of four months now without having a single inkling.<br/>
A lightheadedness began to take over as he remained unmoving. He really should have drunken more water, maybe even worn a hat?<br/>
But it was impossible to write the scene in front of him off as a mirage. This wasn’t some heat induced hallucination his poor brain had procured as a last cry for help. This was a real person, <i>his</i> person, standing right there, in the middle of the street next to Chan, of all people.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>Changbin’s voice was so much more sure than his brain, which was currently spinning around itself like the teacup rides at the fair he used to love so much before adulthood cursed him with a sensitive stomach. This was starting to make him feel equally as nauseous.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>To anyone viewing the situation from a third person perspective, it must have looked so strange, these three people stopped in the middle of the street, two of them staring at each other while the third looks between them in complete confusion. But suddenly Changbin didn’t care what anyone else would think because he could barely think himself.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It’s not as if he hadn’t toyed with the idea. Lain awake in bed at night wondering “what if”.<br/>
If the roommate Chan never seemed to mention by name happened to be the one person he would give everything to find again. But he had always written it off as pointless wishful thinking, figured the odds were just a little too far out of his favor.<br/>
And yet, there he was. Just standing there. A little taller, a little broader, a little older but still irrevocably Felix.<i>His</i> Felix. </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>His hair was blond now and Changbin hated just how much he loved it. Time had given Felix a facial structure that was almost elfen with how beautiful it was, all prominent angles and highlighted planes. His hair reached almost to his shoulders in the back as the front swooped down in curtains of silver, brushing across his cheekbones that were still speckled with kisses from the sun. It was a little jarring just how different Felix looked while still being so overwhelmingly himself.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>There was a moment; a tense, silent moment brimming with a thousand unasked questions to which there were a thousand more unspoken answers where the two continued to just stand there. It lasted for eons, Chan’s quiet “...What?” being the only thing to break the trance enough for one of them to take the first step, Felix in this case considering Changbin had completely lost all feeling in his legs and wasn’t completely confident that they would hold up his weight if he tried moving.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>There was something similar to butterflies fluttering in Changbin’s stomach as Felix made his way over.<br/>
He barely had the mind to revel in the feeling when he was almost toppled over by the sudden weight of Felix’s body colliding with his, raising his arms for balance as Felix wrapped his own around Changbin’s waist in a hug that seeped every moment of longing and sadness he had had to endure ever since they had been separated. </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It was weird, how nice it felt. How natural it was considering how unnatural their situation was.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“This can’t be real. There’s no way this is real.” Changbin mumbled, just barely audible over the white noise of a city at night considering his face was smashed into the fabric of Felix’s shirt.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It took a bit for him to realize his arms were still awkwardly hovering on either side of Felix’s body, shakily forcing them out of their paralysis so he could bring them up to wrap around his old friend’s waist. The moment his arms connected he felt a warm thrumming fill his body, an electrical current shocking the butterflies in his stomach into an absolute flurry as a smile spread across his face. It really was him, there was no mistaking it.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>“I missed you so… so much.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>***</i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alright guys, this one was a bit of a doozy. It's a little shorter than the others partially because I needed the energy to match throughout the chapter and nothing else seemed to really fit. After this the format is going to change a little bit meaning that we will no longer be needing flashbacks and we can instead focus on what's really important! Future Changlix fluff!</p>
<p>Anyway, you guys know the drill, feel free to drop by and tell me what you think. Your comments have been such a source of motivation to me and it really makes me so happy to see that people are reading and even somewhat enjoying this monster that has been sitting in my drafts for much too long now.</p>
<p>Love you all and feel free to give me a follow on twitter at <a href="https://twitter.com/hyuckie_bee">@hyuckie_bee</a> , I swear I'm quite friendly.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Past, The Present, And The Similarities In-between</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Changbin adjusts himself to the feeling of having Felix back in his life.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm well aware of how long it's been since I last posted and I would just like to take this moment to apologize for how truly unreliable i've been with my posting schedule. I would blame it on being busy but honestly it's just regular ol' writers block.</p>
<p>To all the people who have been following this story as it's posted: You guys are very cute and I love you a lot. I'm sorry I've been so inconsistent and I hope you realise just how much I appreciate you.</p>
<p>To the people that just got here: Thank you for taking a chance on an unfinished fic that started, like, last year lol.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took a while for Changbin to pull himself away from Felix, even when his shirt began to dampen under his tight grasp and the perspiration on his upper lip became uncomfortable.<br/>It was only when Chan awkwardly cleared his throat that the two of them separated, springing apart and embarrassedly looking around at everything except for the other.</p>
<p>“So I’m gonna go ahead and assume you guys have already met, ey?” </p>
<p>At some point during their touching reunion Chan had made his way over from where he had been standing in front of his studio building, the plastic bag from the convenience store still hanging from his fist as he nervously rubbed at his shoulder with the other. </p>
<p>“Yeah, we uh,” Changbin paused. How was he supposed to accurately convey everything they were in a single sentence? He could hardly call him his soulmate even if the label sat so perfectly on the tip of his tongue. However, calling them friends didn’t feel quite right either, as much as the thought alone prickled along his skin like sticky burrs. It had been so long, too long, since the title had had an actual meaning regarding them. Even Changbin had to admit that just because Felix had never actually left his mind for a single moment since they met that first day at school, it took more than one sided thought to maintain a relationship. The silence stretched with every moment Changbin wracked his brain, overthinking until he could feel steam streaming out of his ears.</p>
<p>“I guess the easiest thing to call us is very, <i>very</i> old friends.” Felix graciously intercepted.</p>
<p>Changbin turned to see Felix smiling at him, the crinkles around his eyes so nostalgic a lump began to make its way up Changbin’s throat.</p>
<p>“Yeah… Very good, very old friends.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was about a week later, while Changbin was restocking the shelves at work, that Chan contacted him again to hang out. <br/>He had just slid the last of the Siouxsie and the Banshees records into the “s” slot when his pocket had begun vibrating furiously, something Changbin really wasn’t accustomed to since Jisung already knew his schedule by heart and would usually just show up unannounced and no one else really took the time to call him anymore. Chan’s contact photo filled up his screen, a selfie Chan had insisted they take together that definitely flattered Chan more than himself and he took a second to just look at it. It was amazing just how much had changed in such a short amount of time.</p>
<p>“Hello?”</p>
<p>
  <i>”Changbin! How’s it going mate, this isn’t a bad time, is it?”</i>
</p>
<p>“Uh, no you’re good, what’s up?” Changbin said, moving the phone to the crook of his neck to start working on the Sister Sledge section.</p>
<p>
  <i> “I’m in your area right now and was thinking of dropping by the store for a bit afterwards to see if you’ve got anything new for me to check out.”</i>
</p>
<p>Changbin had never seen anyone more excited in his life than Chan had been when he mentioned he worked full time at his dad’s record store. Granted, he should have seen it coming considering Jisung’s reaction back when Changbin’s dad had first asked if he wanted to help them set up the store, back when they had just moved back all those years ago.</p>
<p>“Yeah, for sure, we actually got a new shipment just this morning so you get first dibs.”</p>
<p>
  <i> “Brilliant! We’ll be there in ten!” </i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><i>We</i>.<br/>A little spark of electricity bubbled in his stomach.</p>
<p>He and Felix had been texting fairly regularly for the past week, catching up on all the mundanities of each other's lives that they had been forced to miss out on since they separated. Felix was the kind of person to announce every thought and action he had throughout the day, randomly bombarding Changbin with pictures of food and plants and narrating any thought that seemed to pop into his head. Just an hour earlier he had announced his distress at the concept of carrot cake and Changbin was surprised to find that he wasn’t annoyed by it. In fact he would almost say he was <i>happy</i> about this sudden onslaught of notifications. He had spent so long with a phone that served little more than an extra weight in his backpack and it was a nice change of pace to open it to find messages directed to him instead of system messages from his carrier.</p>
<p>Just as Changbin began breaking down some of the empty boxes that were scattered around him he heard the bell above the door jingle, ripping the last of the tape holding the cardboard together with a pop before turning his attention towards the front.</p>
<p>“Take it easy there tough guy, it’s only us. No need to flex the guns.” Chan joked as he walked down one of the isles, face split into a grin. Felix was right behind him, looking around the room in awe before directing a sweet smile of his own towards Changbin.</p>
<p>“I’m wearing an entire jacket, Chan, you wouldn't be able to see them even if I tried.” Changbin replied, placing the box on a pile with the rest and clapping his hands together to get some of the dust off.</p>
<p>“A crying shame if you ask me. Also unfathomable given how hot it is these days, how are you not absolutely sweating bullets right now?”</p>
<p>“I could ask you the exact same thing, mister ‘50 shades of charcoal grey’.”</p>
<p>Chan smiled as he flicked a curl off of his forehead “Ah but you see, my dear Binnie-baby, you've forgotten one vital piece of information: Goth’s don’t sweat, we glisten.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Felix was standing off to the side, amusement sparkling in his eyes as he watched the banter between the two of them. He himself was in a jeans-on-jeans ensemble with a plain white t-shirt under his light wash jacket and his bleached hair styled up away from his face. Not for the first time did Chanbin feel like he was too ethereal to exist in this grungy existence of his own, too blindingly beautiful to stand in the middle of his dingy record store.</p>
<p>Changbin took that moment to smile at him, a quiet hello to convey just how important his presence was, before turning back to the pile of boxes and moving them out of the way.</p>
<p>“So, you have anything in mind for your search today or are you just winging it?” He asked.</p>
<p>“Ah, I’ve been really into soul lately,” Chan replied, leaning against the counter and flicking through one of the CD racks beside the cashier. “You know, the good old school stuff. Marvin Gaye and all that.”</p>
<p>“Ok.” Changbin woke up the computer connected to the register and looked into the orders that had come in to see if there was anything that would interest him, the entire back of it absolutely smothered in stickers small bands had brought in as freebies while promoting. <br/>Changbin’s dad had a rule that he would play any CD brought to him as a demo from beginning to end at least once over the loudspeaker for customers to hear as long as it stayed within respectful lines. Because of this the store had become quite notorious among smaller bands looking for a little bit of exposure, even though foot traffic was significantly lower than any of the larger music stores speckled throughout Gangnam. “Well we just got a new batch of Luther Vandross if you’re interested in that? There’re a couple Dee Clark EP’s in there that my dad was pretty excited about so you can check those out as well.”</p>
<p>Changbin was barely finished talking when Chan had already made it over to the soul section down by the front of the store, leaving him and Felix on their own.</p>
<p>“Man, this place is so freaking cool.” Felix said suddenly, looking around the store and taking in the posters and record sleeves that were hung up on the walls as decoration. “I still remember all the stories your dad used to tell us about his job when we were little. Seeing one first hand is so much better though.”</p>
<p>It was still a little jarring how seamlessly Felix would talk about the time they spent together when they were kids, partially because Changbin had tried so hard for so long to suppress any kind of memory out of self-preservation. It makes him wonder if Felix had had as hard of a time getting back to normal as he had.          </p>
<p>“Do you have a favorite?”</p>
<p>Changbin blinked up at Felix. “A favorite what?”</p>
<p>“A favorite record.” Felix said, his finger running along the spines of the record sleeves. “I know there’s gotta be a bunch in a place like this but if you had to choose just one, which would it be?”</p>
<p>“Oh boy, lemme see.” Changbin walked out from behind the counter, browsing over the little paper cards sticking out in between the boxes with genres and letters scribbled on them in his and his dad’s handwriting. He let the artists he liked run through his mind like a rolodex, his mind pausing on a song here and there before dismissing it to keep spinning. </p>
<p>He finally stops in front of the Indie rock box and runs his finger along the side until he gets to ‘O’, flicking through the records at a speed that leaves Felix wide-eyed until he finds what he’s looking for. Changbin pulls out a white record sleeve with four shapes on it: a circle, a triangle, and two shapes that look like M’s with the bottom filled in, each covered in a kind of abstract image reminiscent of waves and rocks.</p>
<p>Changbin pauses as he turns the album around in his hands, letting his eyes drag along the song titles printed on the back before looking back up at Felix and handing it over wordlessly.<br/>He gingerly accepts it, holding it by the very ends as if it would break if he held it too hard as he also let his eyes run across it, finally landing on the spine to read the name.</p>
<p>“‘Beneath the Skin’, Of Monsters and Men. I think I’ve heard of them before, actually.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t be surprised if you had.” Changbin replies, watching as Felix read each of the song titles with care. “It hasn’t been that long since I found this album in particular but something about it just resonated with me.”</p>
<p>“Any songs on here you recommend specifically?” Felix is smiling at him, eyes so warm and safe, like milk and honey. It churns Changbin’s stomach a little, bringing emotions and feelings and memories to the surface like a wave at the growing tide. He suddenly wishes he could just reach out and hold him, feel his warmth in the flesh instead of just in his heart.</p>
<p>“Hunger. Hunger is my favorite.”</p>
<p> Felix looks back at the track list. “Oh It’s the third one! Alright, I’ll be sure to look out for it when I play it.”</p>
<p>“You’re buying it?” Changbin asks, the surprise in his voice making Felix laugh.</p>
<p>“Well of course I have to, it’s your favorite! You’ve never steered me wrong before. I think now’s as good a time as any to start building my collection, right?”</p>
<p>Changbin nodded, looking down at his shoes, suddenly shy when Chan made his way over and threw his arm around Changbin’s neck.</p>
<p>“Alright, boys? Oh Felix, You’re getting one too?”</p>
<p>“I sure am,” Felix beamed, looking over to Changbin as he said “Specifically chosen by the connoisseur himself.”</p>
<p>Chan gaped exaggeratedly before pushing away from Changbin to raise his hand to his forehead. “Changbin your favoritism is blatant and I am offended.”   </p>
<p>The three of them made their way to the counter, Changbin giving both of them an employee discount since he barely needs to use it himself as it is.</p>
<p>“Felix and I are probably gonna go out for something to eat in a bit if you’re down to come? We can wait for you by the river or something.”</p>
<p>“Ah, I don't think I can today.” Changbin replied, sheepishly rubbing his hand along his neck. “I had promised my mum I would come over for dinner tonight. She’s been complaining that I’m neglecting her for my ‘suddenly booming social life.” His hands come up to make air quotations as he says the last four words, making both Chan and Felix laugh the same open mouthed laugh. <br/>It’s funny, now that Changbin thinks about it. Maybe he hadn’t been projecting his memories of Felix on to Chan as much as he thought when they had first met, now that he saw the way they both naturally mirrored each other.</p>
<p>“No worries mate, we can meet up another time. Good luck with work!”<br/>They both turned away with a wave, making their way towards the door before Felix abruptly stopped, turning around to grin and Changbin and holding the square plastic bag up to his face.</p>
<p>“I’ll text you as soon as I’ve listened to the album. My expectations are high!” before giving one last wave and then following Chan out the door, leaving Changbin standing there with his hand still half raised in a wave and his heart beating out of his chest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>One of the conditions for Changbin moving into his own apartment was that he come home for dinner at least once a week, something that he always pretended was much more of a nuisance than it actually was.<br/>Having some kind of small piece of familiarity after everything seemed so foreign and broken was like an anchor for Changbin to hold on to, a small breath of reprieve in between held breaths, and despite his constant complaining, a full table of steaming homemade food was a nice change from the packages of instant ramen and leftovers he lived on in between.</p>
<p>It took three trains and close to forty minutes of walking to get from the record store to his parent’s house, a fairly large reason why they had been so adamant about Changbin working there after he had moved out. They lived in a quiet residential area north-west of the Seoul city center, filled with spacious parks and quiet roads and houses where the rent wasn’t as astronomical. It was the same area Changbin had grown up in, the same neighborhood he had met Jisung and now the same neighborhood he made a two and a half hour journey to almost every weekend.</p>
<p>He pushed open the gate that led to the courtyard, half cement as a driveway leading to the two car garage and half grass with a series of uneven stepping stones leading up to the front door. The decoration inside was similar to how their house had looked back in England, if not with a little more traditional Korean memorabilia speckled here and there. The house itself had been a wedding gift from his grandparents to his parents, practically the only house on their street that hadn’t been remodeled to look newer, flashier, and decked in chrome and cement. It was warm and homely, the walls painted a muted yellow and the parket covered in scratches from the wear and tear of furniture and an early childhood with no boundaries.</p>
<p>Sometimes Changbin regrets moving into his dingy little mold colored apartment with the neon lights outside of his window and shoe-covered entryway, wondering if it would have been better if he had just stayed home, with his parents. But then he remembers the mood swings, remembers the sad confusion on his parents’ face whenever he retracted into himself on a particularly bad day and concluded that, while it may not have been the most comfortable decision, it was a decision made for a reason.</p>
<p>“Is that our baby Changbin?” He could hear his mum’s voice from deeper in the house, coming through the hallway that led to the kitchen. The T.V. was on in the living room, the obnoxious laugh track echoing throughout the house as well as the soft crooning of Barbara Streisand from the record player set up on one of the side tables. The air smelled of salt and spice, only getting stronger as he stepped into the kitchen to see his mum stirring a large pot on the stove.</p>
<p>“I hope you’re hungry, my love, I was in the mood for stew and went a little overboard.”</p>
<p>Changbin smiled as he leaned down to kiss her on the cheek, giving her a hug as she tilted her head to lean into it. “Absolutely starving. Does this mean I get to take some home with me?”</p>
<p>“But of course!” She exclaimed, already rummaging around in one of the cupboards above her head while still stirring the pot with her wooden spoon. “There should be a couple medium ones in here somewhere, that way you can freeze them individually.”</p>
<p>Despite his attitude there was no doubt Changbin understood just how blessed he had been to get the parents he did. It was thanks to them that he never had to know what it was like to grow up in a house without love, to feel like he had nowhere to belong. <br/>Which made him think of Felix, of his cold house with stagnant air and echoing rooms. Of all the questions floating through his head about what he went through away from Changbin’s eyes.</p>
<p>“Hey mum, guess who I met again recently.”</p>
<p>Changbin’s mum looked up at him, her head slightly tilted to the side. “Who?”</p>
<p>“You have to guess!” He laughed, reaching out for the spoon in her hand and stirring the stew for her.</p>
<p>“Hmm, let me think… Do I know them well?”</p>
<p>“Oh you could definitely say that.”</p>
<p>She hums again, scratching at her chin. “Are they part of my circle or yours?”</p>
<p>“Mine.”</p>
<p>There’s a look of surprise on her face as he says that, her eyes wide. “Really? From here?”</p>
<p>Changbin shakes his head still grinning. He felt… effervescent, all warm tones and golden light under his skin. “No, not from here.”</p>
<p>He watched as his mum’s eyes flicked back to the stove, blankly staring into the pot as if trying to find the answer swimming among the chunks of kimchi.</p>
<p>“You give up?”</p>
<p>She nods, looking back up at him and placing both of her tiny hands on his arm in anticipation, making him laugh.</p>
<p>“It’s Felix. Felix is here now, in Korea.”</p>
<p>There’s a moment of silence as she looks at him before her eyes widen, the corners of her eyes crinkling up in joy. “Felix!? Our little Felix is here!?”</p>
<p>She turns to call out for her husband who pops his head into the room, his glasses half slipped off his face and his hair in the same tousled disarray it always seems to fall in as she relays the message to him, who responds similarly.</p>
<p>“God how long has it been since we last saw him, four, five years? How’s he doing these days?”<br/>“Oh uh,” Changbin directed his attention back to the stew. He realised in that moment that he had barely asked Felix any questions about his life in all the time they had been texting each other. He knew all the small things about him, knew which memes he knew by heart and how many times he ordered a green tea frappuccino in the past week alone but he still had no idea what it was that brought him here, how he met Chan, and if either of those things had anything to do with each other. “He’s roommates with a musician I met through Jisung. We’ve only been talking for a little while but he seems to be happy.”</p>
<p>His mum releases a content sigh, reaching back out for the spoon in Changbin’s hand and holding her own to her chest. “This is such fantastic news, my love. I can’t even imagine how happy you must be to have him back!”</p>
<p>Changbin watched as his dad came up behind her, softly rubbing his hand over her shoulder and giving her a small smile. It was so soft and personal, a little exchange of thoughts that Changbin could only assume he knew the meaning of.<br/>He had never thought how much Felix’s disappearance must have affected his parents as well, two people that were as used to his presence as he was. They had always treated Felix as their second son and yet somehow Changbin had acted as if he was the only one that felt any kind of loss. It brought on a dark lining of guilt to the cloud of happiness that had filled his spirit until that point.</p>
<p>“You should bring him the next time you come up, ‘Binnie.” His dad said, turning to him with a smile that etched lines across his tan face, “We would love to see how much he’s grown since we last saw him.”</p>
<p>Changbin smiled at his parents, giving his mum another hug from behind as he nodded into the skin of her neck.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I think he would really like that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>It was later on, as Changbin lay in his childhood bed, that he thought to finally check his phone.<br/>There were the usual ones, missed instagram lives and google notifications, a youtube video here and there that he all filed away into his ‘watch later’ folder, until he landed on the three text notifications hidden in between. </p>
<p>The first was from Jisung, naturally, bemoaning that Changbin got to see Chan and Felix without him and how unjust the world was for forcing him to be in school while his friends “enjoyed the beauty of youth”, which he swiftly ignored even if it did coax a smile out of him. The second was from Hyunjin, asking him if he was free to log on to play some game with him followed by a “wait nvm it’s saturday”, but it was the third message that filled his stomach with the excited vibrations of butterflies waking up from their sleep.<br/>It didn’t matter how many times it popped up on his screen, Changbin felt like he would never truly get used to seeing Felix’s name spelled out at the top. There were little sun emoji’s on both sides that Felix himself had put there when he had typed it into Changbin’s phone and Changbin couldn’t help but think of how accurate it was, how much his life seemed to have brightened ever since Felix had stepped back into it.</p>
<p>
  <i>”I just finished listening to the record you suggested!”</i>
</p>
<p>Changbin smiled as he opened up the message to find a stream of little moving emoji’s. The time stamp next to it said it had only been received three minutes ago, a sign that Felix could still very well be active.</p>
<p><i>”Oh yeah?”</i> Changbin replied, holding his phone up to his chest to stare at the screen in the dark. <i>”Whaddya think?”</i></p>
<p>He watched as the little “1” next to his name disappeared and stared at his phone screen intently in hopes of a quick response only to find himself almost dropping it when it began vibrating with an incoming call.</p>
<p>“...... Hello?”</p>
<p>
  <i>”Hey! It’s not too late is it?”</i>
</p>
<p>“Uh, no,” Changbin had already never been particularly fond of phone calls, always hating the awkward pauses that wedged their way into every conversation. Even with his parents he found himself dreading whenever the phone rang but something about this felt important, more significant. Changbin had never really talked to Felix on the phone before, even back when they were kids. There was never any need, considering the two of them were consistently attached at the hip, and whenever they were apart Felix preferred texting anyway.</p>
<p>
  <i>”Are you sure? It’s totally ok if it is, I wouldn’t want to wake up your parents or anything..”</i>
</p>
<p>“No, no, no, you’re fine, don’t worry. My parents are all the way across the house I was just, you know… Surprised.”</p>
<p>He could hear Felix’s deep chuckle through his speakers, the vibrations strumming right through his hand and into his stomach like an electric current.</p>
<p>
  <i>”It is pretty unusual for us, ey? To talk on the phone like this.”</i>
</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>Changbin feels a little breathless and the silence that takes over the line is surprising but only in the way it doesn’t make him want to climb out of his own skin the way it usually does. It’s calm, filled with the soft sounds of breathing and night. There’s a slight rustling on Felix’s end, like he’s getting into position.</p>
<p>
  <i>”Yeah, so I listened to the record. I would have listened to it much earlier but Chan was hogging the record player again.</i>
</p>
<p>Soft giggles shake Changbin’s body as they whisper out of him. “That’s alright, there was no rush after all. Did you like it?” He asked, a little nervous.</p>
<p>
  <i>”Oh heck yeah, it was awesome! It’s pretty different from what I usually listen to but I really enjoyed it.”</i>
</p>
<p>Changbin smiled again. “I’m glad to hear that. I played it almost daily at one point.”</p>
<p>
  <i>”Was that recently?”</i>
</p>
<p>He paused. The question itself was unexpected but it's the timidness in Felix’s voice that he expected even less, as if he thought it would be taboo.</p>
<p>“Oh, uh, no not too recently. Mostly the first year I moved here. Come to think of it, it's definitely been more than a year since I last listened to it.”</p>
<p>An awkward little laugh huffs through the speaker. <i>”Ah, ok.”</i></p>
<p>“Why do you ask?” Changbin asks, a tingling of nervousness building up under his skin. Why is he nervous?</p>
<p><i> ”Oh it’s nothing really, it’s just…” </i> another pause <i> “It’s kind of… sad. Sadder than I expected it to be.” </i></p>
<p>A silence stretches out across the line as Changbin lets the words circulate around his brain, letting them marinate until it’s all he can taste.</p>
<p><i> “I still really enjoyed it though! You were right about ‘Hunger’ . That song was beautiful.” </i><br/>There was a frantic note to Felix’s voice as he quickly tacked on that last part, worried he might have offended Changbin.</p>
<p>“No, no, it’s fine! It’s a pretty good observation, actually. I uh,” an ache shot up Changbin’s arm from his elbow, unused to holding the phone to his ear for so long, and making him switch his phone to his other ear and shuffle up the bed a little to properly talk and stretch out his arm. “I was going through a bit of a rough patch at the time, mentally.”</p>
<p><i> “Was it… was it because of me? Because I left?” </i> </p>
<p>As much as they had been talking, they had both done a very good job of actively avoiding mentioning the five year long elephant in the room, so caught up in the happiness at finally being together that they didn’t want to risk dampening it, even if they both knew it was an inevitability.</p>
<p>“I… yeah, I guess you could say that. I know it wasn’t your fault and I really don’t want you to feel like I… Like I blame you but,” Changbin took a deep breath, trying to calm down his spinning mind and stuttering words, “I think losing you was one of the worst things to ever happen to me.” </p>
<p>There was another huff of air across the line before a silence that felt it lasted a millennium, every sound outside of the phone heightened as Changbin waited for some kind of response, anything. The nervousness shifted from a tingle to a prickling, pins and needles overtaking his body and his vision was just beginning to blur when suddenly he heard something that sounded heartbreakingly similar to a sob. </p>
<p>“Felix?”</p>
<p><i> “Changbin, I-” </i> Felix’s voice was wet and stuffy, and it was then that Changbin reached the horrifying realization that he had made Felix cry.</p>
<p>“No, no, no, Felix, it’s ok! It’s- are you crying? Felix please don’t cry, I’m sorry I didn’t… I didn’t mean to make you cry, i’m sorry-”</p>
<p>Changbin was cut off by a sad laugh, more air than actual sound. <i> “Why are you the one apologizing? It was my fault, I’m the one that hurt you. I should’ve… I should have done something, </i> anything.”</p>
<p>“Felix,” Changbin sat up in bed, switching his phone to his other ear again and ignoring the stiffness in his elbow, “Felix I need you to listen to me. Are you listening?”</p>
<p>He could hear a sniff from across the line and a laugh. <i> “Sorry, I forgot that you can’t see me nod. Yeah, I’m listening.” </i></p>
<p>“Ok good, I need you to listen very, very carefully to what I’m about to say, ok? Don’t try to refute it, don’t try to justify it, nothing. Just listen, got that?”</p>
<p>
  <i> “Yeah, I got it.” </i>
</p>
<p>“Okay. Felix? None of this was your fault. None of it. I don’t know all the details of what happened and I won’t even expect to know them unless you yourself are comfortable enough to tell me, but I am willing to bet every single bone in my body that you weren’t the one that wanted to leave. That you weren’t the one that planned to disappear without so much as a goodbye. I know it’s been a long time, Felix, such a fucking long time, but I would like to think I know you enough to confidently say that you would never try to hurt me, not even accidentally. I never have and never will blame you for what happened, so I need you to stop blaming yourself, ok? Can you promise me that?”</p>
<p>There are a couple more sniffles across the line, the sound of someone blowing their nose with the microphone covered and then the rustling of a phone being brought back to an ear.</p>
<p>
  <i>“Yeah… I promise.”</i>
</p>
<p>***</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Again, thank you so much for reading this far, I really appreciate it and would love to keep on hearing your thoughts!</p>
<p>I'm hoping to incorporate a lot more changlix moments in the future as well as more member appearances, if possible. There are plans, darlings, the question is whether or not I can execute them.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Fairy Lights in Misty Eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The gang gets together for a dinner at Chan and Felix's apartment.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Alrighty so I know this chapter is a little bit shorter than most of the others but I make up for it with a whole bunch of sap lol.</p>
<p>There's a very good chance I'm going to be keeping the chapter lengths a little shorter from here on out just because it will (hopefully) allow me to post a lot more often.</p>
<p>Anyhoodles, please enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next time Changbin sees Felix is at one of his usual hangouts with Chan and Jisung except this time there’s a twist.</p>
<p>“Are you sure this is the right street?”</p>
<p>Changbin shakes the feeling of DeJa Vu as he once again looks down at the map of his phone to make sure he’s at the right building. They’re standing in front of an apartment complex that looks exactly the same as the seven other complexes surrounding them, towering over a series of grassy patches in the middle, one of which housing a small playground. </p>
<p>As opposed to their usual plan of just meeting up at Chan's studio to play around on his music software, Chan had invited them to his home this time, saying that he had just finished a fairly large project and wanted to celebrate by inviting them over for dinner.</p>
<p>“Do you see any other streets, you dingus?”</p>
<p>The change of location wasn’t the only change to the evening however.<br/>After having heard that Changbin was still in regular contact with Hyunjin, someone that obviously played a big part in Felix’s childhood, Chan had insisted that he invite him to the dinner as well,</p>
<p><i>”The more the merrier”</i> He had said but unfortunately he hadn’t taken into consideration Hyunjin and Jisung’s long standing rivalry.</p>
<p>“Don’t call me a dingus, I’m just making sure!”</p>
<p>It had started almost instantly as soon as Hyunjin had come back to Korea, the two of them having introduced themselves to each other as Changbin’s best friend since childhood until at some point it had formed into this constant battle of who knew Changbin better and deserved the title of best friend.<br/>It was absolutely ridiculous but Changbin wasn’t going to pretend it didn’t leave him feeling a little flattered.</p>
<p>Even if it meant having to deal with their constant bickering whenever the three were together.</p>
<p>“Settle down now children, we have to make a good impression. Well, maybe not Jisung, Chan already knows him, but Hyunjin I need you to be on your best behavior.” </p>
<p>There was some snickering from Jisung as Hyunjin whined about unfair treatment but the three of them finally made their way up the steps and to the double glass doors protecting the lobby area where the elevators were.</p>
<p>Changbin checked the number on the building and the number on his phone one more time before turning to the large sheet of buttons that covered the wall to their right, scanning each of the little numbers until he found the one that matched the number Chan had sent him.<br/>The button vibrated as Changbin pressed it, the sound shocking him a little as he waited for the intercom next to the door to react.</p>
<p>There was a loud crackling before Chan’s voice squeaked through the machine, tinny from how old the system was before an even louder buzz and a click came from the doors in front of them, indicating that it had been unlocked.</p>
<p>The building itself was old, possibly even older than Changbin’s although significantly better maintained. The white marble floors seemed worn in and the metal surrounding the elevators had the kind of bronze-ish sheen of metal that had been cleaned too many times with abrasive cleaning materials.</p>
<p>One look at the elevator itself made Changbin suddenly very glad that Chan and Felix only lived on the eighth floor, not really trusting it to make it all the way to the 25th where the buttons ended.</p>
<p>Chan had claimed that the apartment door had been left propped open, the sound of music already wafting down the hall as well as the smell of food, guiding the three boys.<br/>Their footsteps echoed and melted with the sounds of the apartment complex as they made their way towards the end of the hall to the only door that had been slightly propped open with a textbook and they let themselves in, not before peeking their heads in and glancing around.</p>
<p>The interior of the apartment was significantly more modern than the rest of the building, the walls a nice, clean white with simple modern furniture in grayscale. There was a large flatscreen T.V. propped up on the left wall perpendicular to the front door and opposite a slate gray three seater couch. Lamps had been set up in each corner of the room, illuminating the space in a yellowish glow that added to the overall warmth that came with the smell of home cooked food and laughter streaming from behind the wall on their right that could only be the kitchen. Despite the minimalism it seemed comfortable.</p>
<p>“Hello?” Changbin called out as Jisung marched right past him, kicked off his shoes, and pranced into the living room as if he had been here a thousand times before.</p>
<p>“Australians! We’re here!”</p>
<p>There was a cacophony of different levels of enthusiastic yells as hello’s and introductions were exchanged, Hyunjin practically jumping into Felix’s arms as soon as he spotted him standing in front of the kitchen sink.</p>
<p>Felix was wearing a phthalo-green sweater with rips in the shoulders and a pair of simple black pants with cuffs at the bottom. There was a bright green apron wrapped around him that he was in the process of untangling when his eyes met Changbin’s, instantly crinkling with a smile even as Hyunjin continued to chatter his ear off with questions. </p>
<p>There was the feeling of something slowly ripping in Changbin’s chest as he smiled back at him, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat before it could rise high enough for his eyes to begin watering. The last thing he needed was to start crying barely a minute after having stepped into the apartment. Everything was just so… domestic. So homey and inviting and it felt like such a cruel trick of fate that Changbin was deprived of this warmth for so long.</p>
<p>His thoughts were suddenly scattered by a warmth at his side, turning to see Chan smiling down at him. <br/>“You doing alright there, buddy?” </p>
<p>Changbin laughed down at the floor, embarrassed at being caught. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Just you know… taking in how nice your apartment is.”</p>
<p>“Right,” Than laughed, putting his arm around Changbin’s shoulder and leaning down to wink at him, “the <i>apartment</i>.”</p>
<p>It really was a nice apartment though, considering how steep the pricing for rentals was in Seoul.</p>
<p>“Well I had managed to save quite a bit of money back in Australia. I did a lot of side jobs while I was in highschool and once my youtube presence got a little bigger I was able to monetize quite a few of my videos through that as well. I wouldn’t have been able to pay for the deposit if it weren’t for Felix though.”</p>
<p>They were all sitting on the couch in the living room, exchanging friendly conversation while they waited for Felix to finish cooking. Every once in a while he would pop into conversation, stepping away from the food but mostly stayed back and allowed Chan to take over, which was when the usual polite commentary of the house commenced.</p>
<p>“Well yeah, I mean I knew it was gonna be a while before I was gonna have an actual job here, the least I could do is pay for the deposit until I can start contributing to rent. It was all my parents’ money, anyway, I was practically dying to get rid of it.”</p>
<p>Changbin couldn’t help the onslaught of questions that suddenly bombarded his mind. Was Felix still in contact with his parents? Did they know that he was in South Korea? Did they know that he was back in contact with him? He wanted to ask all of these questions but decided it would be smarter to bite his tongue; wait for a later, more private moment.</p>
<p>“Doesn’t negate the fact that it was a big help. There’s no way I would have been able to drop a cool fourty-thou’ in one go like that.” Chan took a sip of one of the beers that had been passed around to everyone before sitting down.<br/>“Speaking of jobs, have you had any luck finding one?” Jisung piped up, voice strained by the bubbles trapped in his throat and making Hyunjin snicker.</p>
<p>“I’ve found a couple places but my Korean is still pretty sketchy so it’s hard. The only jobs accessible to me are usually heavy labor but like… have you seen me? I get winded just walking up the stairs.” </p>
<p>With this Felix lifts up one of the pots from the stove, face strained with the weight of it as steam billows around him, taking it over to the sink to strain. Changbin doesn’t even hesitate to stand up and quickly run over to Felix, placing a hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p>“You hold the strainer, I’ll pour the water.” </p>
<p>Felix stares at him for a moment, cheeks pink from both the weight of the ridiculously large pasta pot and the heat before smiling and shaking his head. “No, it’s ok, you’re our guest! I can’t have you doing all the hard work.”</p>
<p>“It’s ok, I really don’t mind. It’s the least I can do considering you’re the one that did all the cooking.”</p>
<p>There’s another moment of deliberation before Felix places the large pot on the side of the sink, keeping his hands on the handles until he’s sure Changbin has them firmly grasped in his own and picking up the strainer he had balanced in the sink between the other utensils.<br/>Clouds of steam engulfed Changbin’s face as he slowly poured the pasta water and spaghetti into the strainer, his arms tensed to make sure he didn't accidentally lose his grip until everything was out and Felix was able to rinse off the noodles. </p>
<p>He reached up to wipe the moisture off of his forehead with his sleeve before he felt a hand clamp onto his wrist, intercepting the movement.</p>
<p>“Don’t do that, you’ll get sweat all over your sleeve!” Felix reached behind him for the roll of paper towels that was standing on the counter and lifted his arm to pat at Changbin’s forehead until he suddenly froze, staring down at Changbin wide-eyed and rosy cheeked.</p>
<p>“Oh, uh, sorry.” Felix said, quickly handing Changbin the paper towel before he redirected his attention back to the spaghetti that was still sitting in the sink. “Force of habit.”</p>
<p>“It’s ok,” Changbin chuckled nervously as he blotted his face. “I don’t mind.”</p>
<p>It was just as he noticed the little smile bunching up Felix’s cheek from the three quarter view he had from the back of his head that Chan once again appeared next to them.</p>
<p>“How’s it lookin’ Felix? Need any help setting the table?”</p>
<p>And just like that, the moment was over.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The dinner goes by fairly uneventfully, everyone thoroughly enjoying the spaghetti bolognese that had been prepared, especially Changbin, who hadn’t eaten it since he left the U.K.<br/>Felix had turned out to be a surprisingly good cook, cooking most of the meals for him and Chan and being in charge of the house's groceries considering Chan would gladly survive on a diet of nothing but snacks from the convenience store, according to Felix (with an admission from Chan himself).</p>
<p>After a decadent dessert of hot fudge brownies with ice cream that Felix had also made from scratch, all five of them ventured back into the living room, Jisung bringing out the bottle of wine he had brought as a gift and everyone mulling about.</p>
<p>At some point it was only Changbin and Felix on the couch as Chan showed Hyunjin and Jisung the intricacies of his soundsystem, enjoying the companionable silence between them as they both sipped on their wine.</p>
<p>“Hey, I wanna show you something.”</p>
<p>Changbin turned his head from where he had been watching Jisung stare at a mixing table with the kind of adoration reserved to a parent looking at their child to look at Felix. He was regarding him with his eyes half closed, the wine and food having given him a warm, sluggish disposition. He stood up from the couch and motioned for Changbin to follow him, leading both of them towards a little hall to the left of the T.V. where there were three doors, two of which were opposite each other and one at the end of the hall.<br/>Felix led him through the door on the right, opening it up to a dimly lit space that Changbin instantly recognized as Felix’s bedroom.</p>
<p>It was so perfectly Felix in the same way that it was absolutely nothing like how his room had been back in England. The bright, almost gaudy colors had been replaced by their muted counterparts, pastel secondaries taking over what were once bright primaries.<br/>Everything was softer, both in texture and color, the plush rug and fluffy duvet giving the room and almost angelic energy, only enhanced by the train of plushies that lined the wall along the bed.<br/>There were little fairy lights bordering the window, the source of the pleasant dim light that was just bright enough to show off the shapes in the room but not bright enough to see any proper details.<br/>It was cozy, there was no other way to describe it.</p>
<p>“Wow.” Changbin said, taking in the space as his eyes adjusted.</p>
<p>“You like it?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you really know how to make a space your own.”</p>
<p>Felix laughed as he sat himself on the edge of his bed, looking around the room himself. </p>
<p>“Well you know how it is. My bedrooms were always my safe space, the one part in my life in which I had complete control. Chan always tells me that I should have some of my stuff out in the living room as well, that it’s our shared space for the two of us, but i dunno… I guess old habits die hard.”</p>
<p>He waved Changbin over who gingerly made his way next to him, not quite sure what to do with his body now that it was just the two of them. He didn’t like how conscious he was of his body while around Felix. That’s never how it used to be.</p>
<p>“You wanna know my favorite part about this whole room though?” Felix asked, grinning at Changbin mischievously as he nodded in response.</p>
<p>He jut his chin out to the wall opposite his bed that, now that Changbin looked closer, was covered in little photographs.</p>
<p>They were awfully blurry, the people in the pictures barely recognizable if Changbin wasn’t so familiar with them.</p>
<p>“I- how…?”</p>
<p>There were a total of maybe seven photos with that same blurry quality, scattered among much clearer photos of sunsets and beaches and what looked like a very young Chan with crazy, curly black hair blowing in the wind, right next to a much more recent photo of Chan and Felix standing in front of an apartment building, suitcases by their sides, but none of those had captured his attention because every single one of those seven blurry photos were of him and Felix.</p>
<p>“Chan showed me how to save pictures from my old ass phone so I could print them.” Felix’s voice was suddenly so much closer as his head peeked over Changbin’s shoulder. “I was only able to print a couple because the quality was so bad on the others, but it was enough for me. Just knowing I had something physical made me feel like you weren’t so far away.”</p>
<p>The lump that Changbin had been repressing earlier came back with full force as he looked at their blurry smiles, memories flooding into his mind like a tsunami.<br/>He wiped at his eyes to clear his vision only for tears to burst past and flow down his face, tickling the bottom of his chin as they collected there.<br/>When he had been at his lowest point, shortly before they moved back to Seoul, Changbin had been dealing with extremely aggressive mood swings, mostly between sadness and anger, one particular bout having led to Changbin furiously flinging his phone into the pond in the park near his house and thus losing everything on it, his messages, his photos, everything. </p>
<p>“Oh shit, Changbin no!”</p>
<p>Felix quickly appeared in front of him, his eyes frantically flitting across his face before reaching out and using the sleeves of his sweater to wipe at his face.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”</p>
<p>“No you’re fine.” Changbin laughed, letting Felix pat at his cheeks as a fresh wave of tears fell from his eyes. “We really have to stop making each other cry every time we interact with each other though.”</p>
<p>Felix began to laugh himself, the panicked expression gone as he continued softly wiping over his face.</p>
<p>“Hey, you know what? I have an idea.” Felix gave Changbin’s face one last glance over before smiling and making his way over to a little desk that was positioned underneath the window. He rummaged around the drawer before pulling out a yellow polaroid camera, checking all the buttons and making sure the batteries weren’t empty.</p>
<p>“I think it’s about time we update the wall, huh?”</p>
<p>“But my face is all puffy now!” Changbin continued furiously pressing on his eyes, trying to will away the itchy feeling from his eyelids.</p>
<p>“Nah, you look as handsome as ever. Come on, just one, just for now.”</p>
<p>He walked back over to Changbin and positioned them next to the fairy lights,wrapping his arm around Changbin’s shoulder as he leaned into him and held the camera above them.</p>
<p>“OK, say cheese!”</p>
<p>The flash left little white spheres across Changbin’s vision as he blinked, the whirring sound of the film sliding out making him stop to pay attention to Felix again.</p>
<p>“It’s gonna take a bit to develop, but I have a feeling it’s gonna be a good one. Come on, let’s go save your friends before Chan talks their ears off.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*** </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Later on, as Changbin is letting himself into his little apartment, trying to stay quiet to not wake up his roommates, his phone lets out a series of plings making Changbin curse as he quickly tiptoes his way to his room. He pulls his phone out of his pocket to look at the screen and smiles.</p>
<p>
  <i> “Text me as soon as you get home!” </i>
  <br/>
  <i> “I think Chan is beginning to like Hyunjin more than me, he hasn’t shut up about him all evening.” </i>
  <br/>
  <i> “Oh btw the picture developed” </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i> Image received </i>
  <br/>
  <i> “I was right. It came out great.” </i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I told you we'll be getting more Changlix interactions in the future~</p>
<p>Hopefully next time neither of them will start crying lol.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for taking a chance on an unfinished fic, I really really appreciate it.<br/>Feel free to follow me on twitter at <a href="https://twitter.com/hyuckie_bee">hyuckie_bee</a> and remember to leave a comment and let me know what you think so far!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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